exsiliumlogs | [closed] yeah yeah and I'm alright

Entry tags:

[closed] yeah yeah and I'm alright

Date & Time: June 29 — July ∞
Location: Around Exsilium
Characters: Saul & TBA
Summary: A catch-all log for Saul's many business etc. meetings throughout the month, because otherwise there would be like a million logs up. Not even an exaggeration. An actual million.
Warnings: Drugs in Jesse's thread, violence in Coby's, sap in Effie's.

[Sometimes, the best way to get over something is to find a suitable distraction.

Since Saul's #1 distraction has always been work, he doesn't see why that can't be the case here as well — he may not technically be practicing law at the moment, but his skill set is undeniably useful. Extremely so. (As far as he's considered, anyway.) He doesn't need his own office or a secretary or a PI or a bodyguard to get plenty of shit done. He's Saul Goodman, for godssakes — what the hell good is he if he's not working?

His hands have been idle for too long, and look at where they've gotten him.

Devil's tools indeed.

So here he is, keeping busy. Training, doing business, drinking more coffee (and alcohol) than he probably should. Whatever works, right? Right.]

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[Now there's a complicated question. He'll opt for the simplest answer:] Not really.

[There's a slight pause as he shifts around, moving so that he's sitting sideways and facing Sonya completely. Or as completely as he can manage, without her looking at him.]

But I do consider him family, yeah. If that's what you're asking.

It's not.

[Another sip, staring straight ahead.]

I do. They're the world to me. Two younger brothers, and I couldn't be prouder of them. Omaid is a fucking genius, and Mehrdad is the sweetest kid you'd ever meet. He wants to be a lawyer like me, and I'm fighting to talk him out of it.

There used to be four of us. I had a big brother, too. Pendar. We all loved the shit out of Pendar, but he made some bad choices. Got sent up for five years, served three. Came out harder, kept doing what he had been doing. So Mama and Father, they made the choice that they couldn't see him anymore. It broke their fucking hearts, but they had to.

Yeah.

[Saul leans forward, elbows resting on his knees, and absently spins his cup.]

Jesse's parents did that to him, too.

[Sonya shrugs. The part that she's leaving out is that she kept with him. That she stayed with him even when he moved uptown. That she was with him when the enemies he'd made inside caught up with him on the outside. That she'd held his hand when he'd died, and still had the shirt with his blood on it, balled up in the back of her dresser drawer.

That's what she keeps close. Pendar, and her love for God, and her fears. These are things that are hers, and sometimes her family's, and for no one else. Not even for people she likes.]

Pendar made his choices. Pinkman makes his. Someone's dealt a bad hand, you want to see if you can shuffle the cards around a little, that's fine. But you set fire to the gambling-hall in an attempt to get them out of that bad hand, and you're in the shit for arson at best, more likely a charred corpse.

[Look at her with the painfully accurate metaphors.

He turns his attention to Sonya again, lips pressed into a thin line, expression a little stony. Even if he explained it, it would probably sound like he's making an excuse for Jesse's behavior — no, it's not his fault, there's this guy and he's here and that's why Jesse went on a bender and got all grabby with you —

It is an excuse, in essence.

But there's so much more to it than that.]

I know. I also know that nothing I do will be enough to fix jack shit — the damage has been done, it's irreparable, there's no going back in this universe or any other. I know; I get it. I think about it every day. But I can't just stop trying. I promised him and a hell of a lot of other people that I'd protect him, and I am not going back on that. I'm seeing this through to the end, no matter what that end is. And if that makes me an idiot — well, that's not exactly breaking news, is it?

[She lets out a single, soft breath, something just short of a snort of contempt.]

Would you chain yourself to a sinking ship because you promised to take care of it?

[He recognizes that sound, too. It almost makes him smile.]

If I'm in part responsible for it sinking in the first place, yes.

[One word:]

Bullshit.

[Saul shrugs. He knows it's bullshit. If he were hearing this conversation from the outside, he'd think it was bullshit, too.

So what is he supposed to say to that?]

You're not a navy captain who'll be strung up for jumping off. You're not chained to the deck. And unless you traveled through time to specifically give him whatever chemical imbalance he has that makes him think that sexual assault, it's a fun and funny pastime, it's not your fucking fault. You jump the fuck off.

Sonya.

[He flinches at the sound of his own voice — his tone is too sharp, too defensive. A moment passes, the silence hanging in the air, before he speaks again.

His voice is much quieter, now. Sad, almost.]

I can't. I'm sorry.

[She shakes her head at that, about to surrender - and then decides to use one last tactic.]

Look. I'm not some child who still thinks that the world exists in good and bad. But Saul, that kid is...He's bad. I know you're defense and you're paid not to give a shit about this sort of thing, but you say this goes beyond just the profession, and so this is on the level of being a person. He's bad. He uses these excuses of damage to justify himself, but it just comes down to this. That he sees no demerit in hurting those around him to get what he wants.

[It doesn't work. Saul's starting to think he might be hanging around Jesse a little too much — he's been overemotional lately, stubborn as hell, quick to anger...

This is why he tried so hard, for so long, to keep a safe distance from everything going on around him.]

What was your first impression of him?

[The smile's totally gone now. In its place is a twist of anger.]

I thought he was sweet. I liked him. It's why I wanted to help him out when I found him like that.

Yeah. That was before the shit hit the fan. [He wrings his hands for a second, scowling absently at a fingernail.]

He's just a scared kid, Sonya. I told you, didn't I? He doesn't want help, so that's why he pushes people away. It's easier.

[But she shakes her head, her lips thin.]

I've been a scared kid. Hasn't even been that long since I was one. Never would have done that. Not in a hundred years.

You can't make that comparison. That's not fair.

Why not?

[She lifts her eyebrows at him.]

Because you have no idea —

[He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose.

Damn it, damn it, damn it.]

Just leave him alone. Okay? Stay out of his way and he'll stay out of yours.

No.

[She finally does look at him, right in the eyes.]

Explain it to me. He has no sense of obligation, but you do, and after what he's done I'm owed a pound of flesh but I'll take an explanation in its stead. Explain to me, precisely, what I have no idea about.

[This really is like pulling teeth, isn't it? And if the patient is too stubborn — or scared — to open his mouth...

Something in Saul's expression falters. He tries to hold Sonya's gaze, but can't.]

You know how abusive relationships work, right?

[A snort is confirmation enough.]

Okay. That's the best way I can sum up Jesse's relationship with his business partner. I'm not a psychologist, but I told him just the other day that I'm pretty sure he's got some Stockholm syndrome going on — I'd bet all the money I have in this place that I'm not far off the mark with that guess.

[She purses her lips.]

And are we suddenly in some parallel universe where people get a pass for being fucked up, instead of needing to fix their problems?

It was fixed.

[Well. Sort of. Maybe not fixed, but it was at least better.]

And then the asshole showed up here.

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