exsiliumlogs | At The Place I'll Return to Someday [Closed]

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At The Place I'll Return to Someday [Closed]

Date & Time: August 7th
Location: 1888 Japan
Characters: Kido & Kano
Summary: Mission here a.k.a. frolic around Japan, steal some dogs, spend time together, w/e
Warnings: THEY NEED TO HAVE EMOTIONAL TALKS AT SOME POINT

[It started with a text. Want to go somewhere? Let's go to Japan. Come on, you and me. Was she homesick? Did she just want to get out? Maybe she wanted to prove she could do this again; leading, fighting, being someone stronger. She'd had enough rest.

But it wasn't just that. She texted him for a reason. They were on the verge of...something. Just in the distance, she could see some sort of change waiting. There was a different future if she could grab his hand and drag him forward with her.

He agreed. Maybe he wanted to get away with her, too?

Kido changed into the clothes given - thankfully they let her take male ones - and pocketed their spending money. She listened to everything in their briefing, already focusing on the mission. They could easily hit up a few of those targets between their combined abilities. If they got done fast enough, they could enjoy themselves a little, too...

She walked down the streets that weren't familiar but closer to home than anything they had been given so far and thought out loud to Kano.]

This shouldn't be too bad. I can steal the artwork from the one member... we can probably both take the dogs from the other... Just get the one drunk and encourage the daughter to go out on her own...

[A beat.] We'd have to go with her though. I'm not letting her run off and get kidnapped or something...

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[She glances down.] ...I admired you. You kept everything scary away. I-I mean, that's what I thought, when I was small. You used to drag Seto into our games so he wouldn't be left out. You were amazing.

[How much time has passed? It couldn't have been less than half an hour, but it already feels like a long stretch of time to him. He lets his head fall. Maybe he should fall asleep instead.]

I was just being a good friend. That's all there is to it.

...You can't say it like that. Like it's something... that doesn't deserve praise.

[She reaches out and hesitates a moment, though it's difficult to see that in the dark. Where was it...? It's been a long time since she saw him without his eyes hiding everything but it was...

There.

Kido rests her hand on his arm, where she remembers a particularly bad cut had once been. Maybe there's a scar there or maybe not. But she remembers it. She tried to kiss it better. The memory embarrasses her.]

...Thanks. For always trying so hard for us. But you know... we're here for you, too. [A pause.] I'm here for you. So don't disappear, Shuuya. I'll just find you anyway.

[Kano stays still, very still, for if he moved it'd betray the truth, that she touched a wound he painted over with a lie. Though she called him Shuuya, he must not move. Even if his heart aches at that name, he can't drop his cover.]

... I'm not disappearing. That's ridiculous. [Notice me. Listen to me. I'm scared. Even if he made up his mind and opened his mouth, that dirty taint will always be there to tarnish those words.

Shuuya wasn't here anymore. That little boy he used to be drowned a long time ago when the liar stepped to the stage at the funeral's end. The person she was looking to save no longer existed and that reigning liar wanted nothing to do with being found. In the end, even if she offered it--]

If I did something like that, it'd be terrible. So, so, don't fret about that idea. Disappearing isn't my act, anyway.

[The closet walls are pressing in. It's too tight in here, with no room to move away or hide. He's keenly aware of the unpleasant tingle on the skin beneath Kido's hand, how strong her gaze is even in the dark.] ... if I have any trouble, I'll come to you guys, no problem.

[Kido shuts her eyes. It takes away that eerie source of light. All that remains is the sounds of their breathing and the touch on his arm.

She promised to listen. In those words, he said something else. But she can't hear it well yet. Even though he kept her grounded to the world, if she can't do the same for him, then...

After a moment she speaks. It doesn't matter if she isn't sure. She has to try.]

...You're really troublesome. But just now, you had to force yourself to lie, right? Because... you wanted to tell me the truth.

[She smiles. How stupid. It really isn't a good way of putting it.]

If you're in trouble, you'll smile and never tell us. Maybe disappearing is my thing but... you conceal, too. With those eyes.

[Kido shifts in the small space, eyes opening again and this time they're much closer to him. On her knees she can lean forward, touch his cheek with her other hand. Her thumb rests at the corner of his eye.]

Wasn't that your wish? I remember thinking... your wish was a lot braver than mine. You wanted to stay in the world and make people happier. That's who Shuuya is. So, if you get in over your head, then, ah... since I made a selfish, weak wish, I should be the one to pull you back up. I told you I would and I'm going to.

[If she pushes on, he might push back. Like he did in Australia, on his birthday, on those countless occasions when she reached out to grab him only to be bitten. She should hate him a little for it, shouldn't she? He's hurt her again and again, and he hates himself for it. If she left, it wouldn't be so bad or hurt so much. But because she stayed, he allows himself that little spiteful slice of hope he clutches like a jagged piece of glass. Worst of all, he can't cut away this affection tying him to her with it.

His mother used to touch his cheek like this whenever she was happy. On those sorts of days, no voices or hands would be raised and he knew that they would both be safe in the cradle of a warm afternoon spent together. In this moment, Kano feels so small like he did so many years back then.

Hey, can I talk for a bit--?

No, no. Not even for a little while. Don't push the burden of playing the hero on others--that'd imply that something was wrong, and people were bound to whisper when they noticed anything different. Even if it hurts, he needs to lie.

His hand's found his way to his chest and grips at his shirt. She can't see, right? There's no way she can spot those bruises on his selfish self, can she? It's better to leave him laying in the mud, no matter how much he cries.]

I'm okay. [A strange, numb feeling is breaking across his face. Something warm is building up in his eyes.] I'm fine.

[Kido gives a soft laugh.] ...You can't even lie well right now.

[There isn't much space, so it isn't hard to rest her forehead against his, to follow the sound she heard. All there is now is sound and she lets go of one wound to touch another, the one he tries to cover with his hand. She cups his and keeps it there, pressing lightly as if it still bleeds.

It does bleed but she can't see that. She simply knows, the way she knows he needs this. Even if his words cut her, she'll endure it. Even if he lies, she'll learn to see past it. Even if it takes years, she'll do this. After all, she's their leader. She's his friend. But somehow, more important than that...]

...It's going to be okay. Your real wish... we'll grant that. Because we aren't monsters. They can't take your heart away. [Kido guides his hand over his heart and smiles.] Right, Shuuya? Let's grant your real wish together.

[It's just what he deserves, that boy who called himself a monster and tried to protect them with a smile.]

It's funny that you say that because, see, our wishes have already been granted. [He's not allowed to break. He swallows. He hates how his breath wavers, how Kido could probably feel it.] There's nothing, nothing I should be wishing for now... maybe I'd wish for us to go home, ah, but that'd mean Sis'd have to go back and, really, don't you think that's a sad way to end things?

[Even if his shoulders shake, he can't fall apart.] --sorry, sorry. I'm a little tired, that's all. Maybe, maybe I'll take that nap after all.

[Her movements happen naturally. The next moment, she's holding Kano against her so that his head rests on her shoulder, arms wrapped around him in a gentle embrace.]

You can rest now.

[Leave everything to me. You won't disappear. You can be 'Shuuya' again. Because you wouldn't let me disappear from this world, either.]

[Don't fall don't fall don't fall you haven't earned the right to fall--

But he does. He slumps against her and he squeezes his red eyes shut as he tries to hide how he trembles against her, or how his breath struggles. He needs to say something to reassure her, but his words are beyond him right now. Staying silent is already hard enough.

Don't make any noise. Don't you dare cry. Don't don't don't--

I'm sorry, Tsubomi.]

[Kido leans her head against his, stroking his back in slow, soothing motions. Crying is okay. They haven't allowed themselves to really cry in a long time; not over this, not over the things they hid away a long, long time ago.

It's just me she thinks, I won't let anyone hear or see you like this if you don't want that but that's probably why he won't let himself. It's someone he wants to protect without allowing those bruises to be seen. But she knows they're there.

She murmurs a soft 'it's okay, I'm still here' as she keeps him close.]

[He hasn't cried, not since after Kido returned from death, not even when Ayano came back. Because they needed the role of the lying pierrot he set up for himself and for them, not the role of that unsure, crying boy he discarded. He doesn't understand where these tears are squeezed from. Kano already decided on this path. He already knew it'd hurt.

So... why?]

Ah... this is really embarrassing. Sorry, sorry.

Don't say sorry for crying.

[One hand on his back lifts to his hair and she strokes it back a few times.

Softer, she adds:] ...Believe in me. Just a little... please.

[He takes a slow, deep breath.] ... I always did, didn't I? I don't remember when I didn't. Kido's honest, through and through, no matter how she tries to cover up.

[She remembers what he said, though. Even if it's been months now. Those words still stay stuck in her head. He might've apologised but...]

...I mean... believe in me to help you. Even if you think it's hopeless. I don't think that. Whatever's wrong, I'll take care of it. So... will you believe in me for that?

[Let us help you, the adults had told him when he was little. We can fix it. Only, he never took that help. It was his own fault that he had the problems he had--asking someone to share that responsibility with him wasn't fair at all. Everything he felt, he deserved. That's how it worked. That's how it was, so there was nothing that needed to be fixed--]

Well, I don't mind being like this. [It's not an answer and he knows it.]

[It's not and she can't help holding him tighter, cheek pressed against his hair.]

Come on, Kano. ...Please. You're not alone now. [Her fingers curl over his back.] ...You're never going to be alone again. We're here for you and... I'm here for you. You don't have to do anything alone again.

[Pause.]

Who does Kido like?

[She doesn't understand it. Who does she like? Him, obviously. But he isn't asking that. He's asking... no, she doesn't really know what he's asking. Kano is Kano. But somehow this is really important and if she messes this up...

Kido buries her face into his hair. Please don't let her screw this up. Please don't let Kano disappear.]

...I like you. I've always liked you. When you called yourself Shuuya and hid or... when you called yourself Kano and teased us all the time. But you never... really changed. [She hesitates.] I mean you did, but... you're still that kid who promised to help me. Ah, you're... [She's talking too much. But she can't find concise words. If he misunderstands, it's her fault. She holds her breath as she holds him.]

...You're you, to me. One way or another... the different faces you show, they're still you. You're Kano Shuuya. Do you understand? You're... you.

[He still doesn't move. His arms remain by his side, his face unreadable as she clutches at him. He hasn't changed? That's wrong to say, when he thinks back on the things he did and the things he planned to do. Shuuya and Kano were different. Masks, that's what they both were.

Truthfully, he isn't sure if he can claim 'I am Kano Shuuya' when he doesn't know where that person is. Which is the 'Kano Shuuya' she fell in love with? Did he ever exist in the first place?]

Even if-- ah, let's assume, all right? Even if I became someone entirely different?

[Someone entirely different...? How can she answer that? She doesn't know what he's thinking again. But it's important to him.]

...I promise. I believe in you. [Ten years is a long time. What would a life without Kano be like? She doesn't want to know. Whatever he means, they'll be okay.] But I also promise... if you become someone you don't like, someone who goes against your heart, I'll get you back, too.

[She breathes out a shaky, weak laugh.] ...That kid was really stupid about the way he did things but determined to make the people he loved happy. That hasn't changed. So I'll protect that part of you. That's you.

[The quiet of the closet feels like it'll smother him. He almost wants it to. Instead, he raises his hand, touching her lightly on the shoulder.

You looked surprised when I told you. But I can't be saved, all right? Even if you say it isn't a problem for you...

He's crying again. He isn't aware of it until he feels something wet fall on his hand. Slowly, he returns her hug, turning his head so he can hide his face in her hair.

Sorry. I screwed up again.]

That makes Kido the knight of this story, doesn't it? That's funny.

[How bad is it that she's happy he's crying? Tears are honest. If he doesn't hide them, it means even more. He allows her to see this. That's basically asking for help, isn't it?

Kido shifts her hold to bring him closer and smiles.]

Well, I'd be a bad princess. [A distant memory comes. Staring out the window on a rainy day and an envious feeling swelling in her chest. No one was going to come to save her. No one wanted her in the first place, so why would they save her?]

Mm, yeah, being your knight... would be pretty cool.

[Kido shuts her eyes and reaches up to stroke his hair.] ...If you need help, give a signal anytime. I'll be here. You don't have to ask, just... let me know somehow...

[He burrows into her, just a little more as she pulls him closer. He's hinted sometimes to her, but all the clues had been gathered by the wrong people, causing him to retreat further and further. He still isn't sure if he wants to be found out. Wouldn't it hurt more to know?]

A cool signal or something? I need to try my best to think up of something impressive, then.

[It feels nice to have Kano so close, even if it's for something like this. He's still such a kid.] Nah, just a signal. And your knight will say, "I won't let you disappear, Shuuya." And then everything will be okay. I'll fight for that.

At The Place I'll Return to Someday [Closed]

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