alcohol, your songs resound like my life never will

[moralperil]

Date & Time: 8/13/13, evening, two hours after this conversation.
Location: a bar of Jack's choosing
Characters: Mahdi (moralperil) & Jack (allucinator)
Summary: Mahdi's celebrating his one year anniversary in Exsilium. Jack promised Mahdi a drink, Mahdi bumped it up to two.
Warnings: TRIGGER WARNINGS: PTSD episodes, discussion of sexual abuse.

[There's a lot for him to think about, out in the rain. Mahdi tries not to sulk and dwell on being called 'kid', on being treated childishly. In a year here, he's only just recently started to understand this attitude comes from people who want to look out for him. They can't know how impossible a task that is.

It sucks, in a way. He'll probably always be the one who's like a little brother, the treasured friend, the ally and angel but never more than that. These are all great things to be, things Mahdi is happy to be, but he wonders why it seems like the only way to be thought of as an adult is to act cynical and jaded. It seems to him like not letting the world change you is a form of maturity, too, but the sincerity and sweetness he treasures are not valued by all.

Normally, Mahdi doesn't get so reflective, but it has been a year and nearly two weeks since he's arrived. He's been thinking about a lot of things lately, like how it's been over two years since he's seen his family and the last real conversation he had with his sister Fayra was about how he needed to get out more, how he ought to go dancing with her, how he needed to try and have fun and get a date since it's been two years since that last guy, dang it.

(Okay, now it's been more like four.)

But Mahdi hasn't been trying like she'd want him to, even though he has more opportunity here. He rarely goes out at night. He usually stays home, maybe practices some recipes and just goes to bed early.

Maybe he actually finds this place pretty depressing. It's time he stopped, he figured. It's time he took some kind of move in his personal life.

When Mahdi turns up at the bar, he's no longer in the casual-disheveled state he had been when they chatted on the tablets. He's pulled his hair back into a loose braid, and he's wearing a nice blue sweater and trousers. He arrives a few minutes earlier than two hours, so worried he might be late or find the wrong place. He pulls off his yellow raincoat with a shiver, and searches the room for Jack. If he hasn't arrived yet, he'll find a table or something - stools are just too challenging for him.]

Comments

[allucinator]

[He snorts.]

I meant more like people, but thanks for the offer.

[moralperil]

Oh! I was going to suggest a hot water bottle, but I suppose a person could be better.

If it was the right person.

[Whyyy is he suddenly a little flustered?]

[allucinator]

[WHOOP there goes Jack's arm. He rubs the back of his neck awkwardly and says gruffly:]

Friends. That's who I used to do it with. Just-- you know-- friends. Or family.

[moralperil]

That sounds nice. Like if you got cold... [Oh no why is this suddenly so awkward? Mahdi's pretty sure he could bake cookies on his face.] Did I say something wrong? I just meant it should be someone you trust, you know... Someone who wouldn't mess with you or cut your hair.

[allucinator]

Yeah. No, I know, I just-- sorry. I'm-- you know-- nervous sometimes, that's all.

[moralperil]

[Mahdi clasps his hands behind his back instead, humming.] You're safe with me, Jack. You just told me how you're not worried about me messing with you, right? Not capable of it, you said!

[allucinator]

[He shrugs a little, but at least he's not quite as tense.]

'S one thing to know that. Another to-- you know-- know it. It's gonna take me a while before I get used to touch an' stuff.

[moralperil]

Yeah, I totally get it.

But if you ever want to talk, or you need me to send you a little warmth your way - [He makes a hand-heart briefly] You know I'll do it!

[Mahdi's that kind of person. Going that extra length for anyone who needs a smile, or a friend.

If he had to lay his feelings out honestly, he would probably at least admit he feels the need to make Jack smile perhaps even a little more strongly than usual.

And issuing these sorts of promises pulls his thoughts away from the things about this conversation that make him nervous, because he might be some kind of dang fountain of hugs and cookies and compliments but the idea of sleeping in the same bed as someone makes him want to vomit. Right there, in that gutter.

It troubles him on several different levels that he came close to suggesting he'd try it anyway, if it made Jack happy. Which is strange, and perhaps progress. Only a month or two ago he told Collette he couldn't possibly share a bed, even to comfort her loneliness.]

Just... don't worry about how long things take. Everything happens in its own time. You'll probably be surprised the moment you realize something that bugged you for a really long time doesn't anymore, or not in the same way, or you're at least willing to risk it.

[allucinator]

'S it happened to you?

[moralperil]

I wouldn't say happened, like, past-tense. But it's happening. And I think it'll keep happening.

[Mahdi stretches out his hands behind his back, making himself taller on this toes a moment.]

Maybe no one else would even notice the changes, you know?

[allucinator]

Yeah, right. Believe me, they'll notice it in me.

[moralperil]

I'm sure I'll notice if you're happier!

But for what it's worth, I like you how you are now. I don't think you need to change, or anything.

Except for the punching. And maybe doing illegal stuff. But I encouraged at least one of those, so I'm kind of to blame.

[allucinator]

There's nothin' wrong with either o' those.

[He pushes his hand through his hair. After a moment's thought:]

I do need to change. I'm . . . off. There's a lot wrong with me.

[moralperil]

[Mahdi does a hop-skip to avoid a puddle... barely. Now in front of Jack, he turns around, walking backward. This will end well.]

Really? Why do you think so?

[allucinator]

[He shrugs.]

Because I am. Because I can't touch people and I have nightmares all night and I can't-- I can't sleep, and I just--

I'm broke.

[moralperil]

No. [Mahdi comes to a dead halt, chin raised, hands on his hips.] You're not broke. Or broken. You invited me out, and opened up to me, and we've had a good time. You've been very sweet all night. I don't see a single thing wrong.

I'll make you some cookies, okay? If I get the recipe right, maybe it will help you sleep well.

[allucinator]

[He stares at Mahdi for a few seconds, uncertainty and irritation flashing across his face-- and finally he glances away, shaking his head.]

Unless you got somethin' that can make you stop havin' nightmares, I doubt it. But I appreciate it.

[moralperil]

Well... I won't know until I try. I can't use my powers on myself. But I will try.

I'd offer to sing you a lullaby, but since you don't like singing...!

[allucinator]

[That finally teases a smile out of him-- a tired one, but a smile nonetheless.]

You're an idiot. What kind o' cookies?

[moralperil]

What kind's your favorite? I can transfer my powers... the ones that make you feel nice, into cookies. If I concentrate my calming ability, maybe it would be enough to help you sleep peacefully. No guarantees, but it's worth a try.

[Mahdi starts walking backward again, smiling. This of course means he walks into a pole.]

Ow--!

[allucinator]

Why don't you concentrate on walkin' first, dumbass? Then maybe we can talk cookies and calmin' shit.

[moralperil]

Hey! Don't call me dumbass when I'm trying to help your dumb ass! Hmph!

[Mahdi rubs the back of his head where he hit the pole, and then hurries a few steps ahead, nose in the air.]

[allucinator]

Oh, come back here--

[He grabs his wrist with a grin and tugs him back, trying to keep him close.]

[moralperil]

What? [Mahdi says. Though he's still using a pouting voice, he's laughing. It seems to please him that Jack doesn't want him running off. He doesn't pull out of his grasp.]

[allucinator]

You're bein' an idiot. I didn't mean--

[He wrinkles his nose. God, but he's shit at apologies. Vaguely he tugs at Mahdi's wrist, pulling him closer.]

Don't go away.