The Italian Job

[maddeninghatter]

Date & Time: May 1st, 1797, on the eve of Venice's fall to Napoleon.
Location: Venice
Characters: Gilbert Nightray and Xerxes Break
Summary: Intrigue, truth-telling, fancy dress parties, and gondoliering.
Warnings: Gilbert's bitter tears

With talks of the war raging on around them soon coming to their doorsteps, the Venetian rich are trying very hard to take a moment away from the gnawing fear of Napoleon forcing the issue of war on the Republic of Venice.

The perilous (too perilous!) mission of our intrepid, gallant heroes is to - attend grand balls. Three of them. The purpose isn't so much to cure once and for all Gilbert's fear of romance, as to ferret out a Napoleonic spy and collect documents of rare historical - and tactical - value.

Time is of the essence, and to facilitate information-gathering, the Initiative has given our heroes a prototype device that compels truth-telling in the form of a "masculine" hat: that is to say, purple velvet, with flowers on. And a ribbon.

It's a manly mission for manly men.

Comments

ACT ONE

[maddeninghatter]

[ Venice is a city that has been in decline since the fifteenth century; but nowhere else on earth can dissipation and dissolution be so ineffably elegant. The canals are its main point of beauty, and are also inexorably wearing it away, with each gentle lap of the water against ancient edifices. No fewer than fifty palaces line the Grand Canal, rising directly out of the water, renaissance and gothic arches gracing their facades. Bright sunshine reflects from the verdigris dome of a church. Graceful bridges span the canal. In the smaller, offshooting, maze-like canals, laundry hangs in lines between pastel-painted buildings.

At the end of the eighteenth century, Venice was the most cultured, most elegant, most beautiful city on earth. Sadly, this seems to be lost on two occupants of an errant gondola, one of whom is rowing it with a twitchy gusto that seems out-of-place in this city. The other is stretched across the bow in a posture of repose, as relaxed as his companion is anxious, his long pretty fingers trailing in the water. ]

Aren't you supposed to be singing? I'm fairly certain you are. We've got to be authentic and blend in, you know. Sing me a song!

[retraced]

[They could have just walked. Found a carriage ride. Paid one of these gondoliers to take them to where they needed to go - legally! But instead, Gilbert has let Break talk him into the 'best' route, which is likewise the most dangerous. He's never driven one of these boats before. He's not even certain he can swim in these waters properly if they fall out! The water is calm enough, but keeping a steady rhythm in hopes of driving this boat over the water straight and true is proving to be trickier than it looks.

And then there's this asshole.]

I'm not singing a song! [He snaps loudly before dropping his voice down, urgently.]

We shouldn't be drawing attention to ourselves so keep it down!

[maddeninghatter]

Dear me, you're always pushing work onto me. How tiresome.

[ He's done a bit of research prior to this mission, and though his performance is anachronistic by about a century... ]

Aissera, Nanninè, me ne sagliette,
tu saie addò?

[ He likes the song, anyway. He pauses before the next phrase and points to Gilbert, as if he's supposed to come in. ]

[retraced]

[And Gilbert returns that bit of song with a look that croons back:




Fuck. No.]

[maddeninghatter]

You're no fun at all!

[ Their translator should take care of the actual Italian language difficulties, but it's still a nice exercise to get some of the vowels and words and cadences down first. Also, his singing is sure to annoy Gilbert, so everybody wins. He continues on with the song, getting to the refrain: ]

Jammo, jammo 'ncoppa jammo jà
Funiculì, funiculà
Funiculì, funiculà
'ncoppa jammo jà,
Funiculì, funiculà!

[ It's meant to be sung full-voice by a well-fed Italian tenor, so Break's breathy high voice does the song no justice at all. Even so, he raises his arms and conducts himself, swinging his wrists floppily. ]

[retraced]

[And thus Gilbert adds this moment to the list of the Top Ten Most Embarrassing Moments Of My Life (So Far).]

Break...people are staring...!

[People in passing boats that wouldn't be able to get a great look at them at the speed that Gilbert is trying to keep them at here, but staring nonetheless.]

[maddeninghatter]

They're only staring cos I have to provide my own musical accompaniment. You could sing the chorus at the very least.

Besides - singing might calm you down, you seem very anxious.

[ He has got the purple truth-telling hat clutched in one hand; he hasn't tried it out yet. No time like the present. He sits up in the gondola, and flips it onto his head. ]

What is it you're worrying about, honestly? What's at the top of your mind, hm?

[retraced]

[He's too busy watching the road the water to notice what Break is doing, but he's mostly just happy that that terrible singing has stopped for now.

And without thinking about it, he answers:]

My singing voice is terrible. If anything it'll just make me feel more anxious to have to hear it, and I'm already worried enough about getting through this mission without any further embarrassment. Plus I feel a little seasick at the moment...

[maddeninghatter]

Embarrassing yourself? That's what you're worried about?

[ It would be hilarious if it weren't so terribly pathetic. Actually - it's both. More importantly, the hat seems to be working as advertised. That said, confessing to a terrible singing voice isn't so much of a revelation. He should probably delve a little deeper... ]

[retraced]

Of course it is! That and...

[His grip falters on the oar.]

...failing without anything to show for it.

[He has to have something to show Oz, some proof that he'd needed to leave again for a reason, and make him proud for having done so.]

1/2

[maddeninghatter]

[ !!!

Because that doesn't touch a nerve or anything. ]

You--

[maddeninghatter]

[ He touches the brim of his hat, feeling the velvet between his fingers. Yes, all right. Fine. He's got the perfect question, something Gilbert would never tell him: ]

Ah... haha!

What's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you?

1/oh lord

[retraced]

The most embarrassing thing?

[retraced]

[Of course, Gilbert would never admit to Break that most of these things were quite that embarrassing, nor would he so candidly think about them right now, guard down and voice clear as he answers.]

To be honest, I can't think of just one time...

[retraced]

But if I think about it harder, most of those times involve you, don't they?

[retraced]

[So let's just go down the list and he attempts to pick up speed on this damned boat.]

When I smoked for the first time...and then every time after when I tried to quit, those moments still make me feel sick to think about. When I had to carry you in Sablier and when I visited you afterwards. Every time I had to bring you food at Pandora and wasn't sure if you'd like it or not. When I realized for the first time how terrible I look in the uniform compared to Reim. The first time that I burned the scones and everyone pointed it out - I haven't been able to make them properly since then.

[retraced]

The first time that I saw a cat in the Vessalius house and ran screaming while Oz and Master Oscar laughed. When Miss Ada gave me my hat and I caught my reflection in the mirror and realized that she has such good taste...and how it's wasted on someone like me...

[retraced]

Every time I received a letter from a woman attempting to propose a courtship and had to come crawling to you to ask you for help. It was really mortifying, you know! And it didn't even help! They still came calling after me, wondering why I'd done and said the things I had - when it had been you all along! I still had to deal with it afterwards!

[retraced]

That time Vincent told me that I shouldn't pierce my ears...

[retraced]

Every time I'm complimented, every time you tease me, every time that stupid rabbit makes a scene in public and I have to clean it up -

[retraced]

Ah...actually....

[retraced]

Having to sit here and relive all of those moments in front of you...that's pretty embarrassing as well...!

fin.

[retraced]

[He slumps down to his knees, oar stilling in the water.]

And now I feel even more seasick because of it...

1/3

[maddeninghatter]

[ Xerxes Break does not know whether to fall over giggling or weep or simply stare goggle-eyed at this event horizon of stunning pitifulness. ]

[maddeninghatter]

[ In the end he just takes the hat off and presses it reverentially over his heart, whilst cringing. He's excruciatingly embarrassed, too; and not all of that is second-hand. ]

Ah, Gilbert. You are--