exsiliumlogs | ( closed ) And I'm a goddamn fool, but then again so are you

Entry tags:

( closed ) And I'm a goddamn fool, but then again so are you

Date & Time: During the week
Location: General common areas
Characters: Skyler, Jesse, Saul, Mike, Steph, and Tobias Beecher
Summary: Sky's trying to process things
Warnings: None? Will update if needed.

[She actually likes how busy she's making herself. It makes her feel useful, and the people here could use it. Not the Initiative. But the people that are just as stranded here as she is, the kids taken from their parents or the people they had. She doesn't like that thought, something tugging too close to the feelings she's pushed away about Holly.

Even mentioning that she has children is like a stab in the heart. Taking a break late at night, Sky has one vice to lean on. She's not sure when she'll get another pack of cigarettes. It was the one in her purse when she arrived. She's careful of the whole oxygen thing here, and it's only ever one. But dear God, does it feel good.

The first inhale already had her nerves relaxing. Holding the small stick between her fingers, her eyes close for a brief moment, and she can forget she's on the moon. She can forget this place. Of course there's enough on her mind. There's a weight on her chest, and each day she knows she's pushing it off.

But there are things, things that remind her during the day. When people call her Ms. or Mrs. White, when people ask about her husband, when people talk about her family. It's still crumbling back home, and when it's quiet like this, she can remember each moment of the attack straight up until when Walt grab Holly. She has to tear her eyes open.

She has to be safe. For all his insistence on family, she prays that he would still remember that Holly is his daughter as well. Whatever she's done-- and whoever she is to him now, Holly is just a baby.

But that is like a sinking feeling in her stomach, not because she would ever want to take the bastard back, but after the emotional manipulation and the hell she's gone through that this is it. This is how it ends. This is where it is for her, and there's nothing she can do from here. There's no way to know how it plays out except that it just does.

It's also freeing though. She isn't tied to Walt here. She isn't forced to play into his games. She is helping with the clinic and trying to help the children, because it's genuinely what she wants. As much as it keeps her busy, it's something pure, and it's something she can do. In some small, small way. It's hope. She still has something good in her life as much as she can feel the bitterness in her heart.]

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[If only she could forget. Too many times she closes her eyes, and she can't unsee him. Right now though there's some comfort in not being alone, even if this is the topic they're choosing to talk about. She's mostly numb and just plain tired.]

I know. I've talked to Saul. And Mike-- I told Mike what happened, what Walt did. [And she's honestly surprised to see Saul willing to stand up to him, but then Skyler and Jesse's first encounter showed her just what Walt had done to Jesse, too.]

Saul said he was here before.

[Jesse nods, averting his eyes for a moment. He feels guilty. He knows it doesn't make sense with how things seem to work here, but he can't help but feel... if he'd just gone ahead and done it and killed Mr. White, then maybe some of what happened in the future wouldn't have happened at all.]

He was. For a long time. Months.

I figured, if I just did everything he told me, he wouldn't make any trouble. And it worked, you know? He was quiet. But it was just me and Saul back then. We got other ways to deal with it now. So you don't gotta worry.

[She's quiet for a moment before she butts the end of the cigarette, taking that in. It isn't the idea of Walt's death that she objects to, if that is his underlying meaning. The idea of him dying was once painful, but she's gone through it, all the cancer news and all the lies and all the emotional manipulation. She's indifferent to thought of him dying right now, so long as Holly isn't there to watch.

She just doesn't want Jesse to become like him. From what she sees he's actually a good guy. She even told Mike as much. He's not what he seems. So after a pause, she stops and looks him in the eye.]

Do what you have to, Jesse, but don't become him. [She doesn't mean she thinks he wants to take over the drug empire. Sky just doesn't want Walt to completely destroy another person, even if he's already done a number on Jesse as it is.]

[The request surprises him. Jesse knows there are people who care about him and worry about him, people who wouldn't want to see him go further down the path of darkness. But he hadn't figured Skyler for one of those people. After all, she knows who he is already. He never fooled her.]

Miss - I mean... Skyler.

[He raises his eyes to her, taking a breath as he tries to figure out what to say. He wants to be honest, but he doesn't want to scare her.]

I don't gotta tell you, I ain't no saint. But me and him, we got differences. He worked real hard to get me to be just like him and the whole reason things fell apart is 'cause he couldn't do it. I sure as hell ain't gonna let him win now, either.

[It is something reassuring, that that's why this all went down. She's not entirely sure why he tried to burn the house down after all, and she doesn't think he's some sort of perfect person -- Skyler has never had that opinion of him, but she does see that he isn't like Walt. She just wants to make sure to keep it that way.]

I'm just saying that doing what you have to when it comes to him-- it's what he wants. Don't feed into it. [She knows enough about that. Slowly she looks down at the cigarette and sighs, wondering what would have happened if she just told Hank everything.]

[Maybe it is what Walter White wants. He'd straight-up voiced his death wish that one night close to three years ago, when he said he should have died the night Jane died. Jesse planned to honor that wish, too, now that he had the Transporter to assist in the task. Both of them needed that day to end differently, after all. If Jesse ended it there, Mr. White would have died a beloved father, Skyler would never have had to endure the painful truth, and Jesse himself - maybe it would be like Mr. White said, and he would have overdosed and died a week later, but at least then he would have died with Jane. As it should have been.

Things are changing now, though. They've got other plans, more immediate ones that Jesse's referring to. Saul's been saying it for a while, and Mike's on board with it, and even Steph and Sonya always wondered why they hadn't just gone and done it sooner. Everyone thinks Walter White needs to die. And Jesse's the one who's close enough to take him out cleanly. He would never ask someone else to do it. It's his own responsibility.

Yet here's Skyler, telling him the opposite of what everyone else has ever said to him. And, for some reason, she makes the most sense. She isn't delivering any news that Jesse hasn't considered, but when she says it like that, she makes him hesitate.

It takes him a minute to speak, and when he does, he sounds like he's asking permission:]

But something's gotta be done. Right? I mean... What else is there?

[Sky knows she's only seen the tip of the iceberg. Walt's mostly kept her out, save for the laundering and what nearly went down with Gus. But she knows there has to be a trail of bodies behind him, and she knows just by looking at Jesse that he's done enough for him to even be considering this as an actual course of action.

But part of her agrees. It's hard. It's hard to think that her husband needs to die, but she's seen him turn. Something in him flipped when he attacked her, and he could have killed her with that knife. Her eyes go round, and she stares back at him for a moment.]

You've thought about this. I mean-- you have a plan, don't you? [This isn't all 'what if's. Like 'wouldn't it be nice to kill your psychopathic husband?' No, with the look he's giving her, Sky can see his determination.]

I'm not saying he should get away with it, I just-- [She sighs and shakes her head before leaning back.]

Think about the way you were before Walt. It wasn't a perfect life. It may not even have been that good. But it was yours, and you were-- innocent. [Clearly she's projecting on him, but he was just some punk kid before Walter. And she can relate to that. That life they had before. They scraped by, but Sky was just a mom who occasionally sold things on ebay or wrote stories. God, the idea of doing something unlawful was ghastly.]

You killing him makes you just like him in the end. It'll change you.

I already changed.

[It's gentler than admitting he's a murderer outright, but she gets it, doesn't she?]

If you're trying to save something in me, it's too late for that. Only thing to do now is save everybody else. Or try, at least. I don't think I could forgive myself if I didn't try.

[He pauses for a second, looking closely at her. She's saying one thing, but maybe she means another.]

...I won't do it if it'll hurt you.

The last thing I want is to make more trouble for you. If you still love him, if you don't want anything to happen to him - I can do what I did before, instead. Whatever it takes to keep the peace. You know?

[There's still parts of her that do love him, but that isn't what this is about. When she found out the cancer was back, Sky was devastated, but there was part of her that was relieved. It would all be over if he died. Was it horrible to think? Maybe, but part of Sky had been through too much at his hands.

She understands what he's saying though. It's a way out, and she could say that's her reason, but it really isn't.]

I-- I don't. [It comes out like she's unsure of herself, questioning the statement. But she's not. She's question her ability to say that.]

Part of me still cares. But it's that part of me that remembers my husband as the chemistry teacher, the one who came home with half dead flowers from the market because they were on sale and it's what we could afford, the man who taught Junior to tie his shoes, the one who was by my side when we got his diagnosis, but Walt isn't the man I married any more.

[She blinks, coming out of her realization with a sharp swallow.]

He's put me through hell, and I can't say that him dying wouldn't fix things, but you being the one to pull that trigger won't. [She looks up at him sharply.]

He's still a father. A shit one, but he still has a baby girl and a son. You'd be taking away Holly's father. I may hate his guts, but can you really do that? Are you truly that kind of person now, Jesse?

[Every word feels like a knife. Jesse remembers the Walt she's talking about, and although he doesn't fully realize it himself, Jesse loves him, too. Now and then, those memories surface and seize his heart and drain all determination out of him. Sometimes they're enough to make him forget the pain and the betrayal. He spent this past summer at Mr. White's side again, and though he can't bring himself to admit it, he loved the moments when they were alone and he could pretend they were in another time and place, when things were simple and Mr. White cared about him as much as he claimed to.

When they felt like a family.

And now she's talking about his real family, the one that Jesse's largely responsible for destroying. Maybe he never asked for it, but he still took their place, and they suffered because of all the things he helped Mr. White do. If she's telling him that hurting Mr. White will only hurt them more, then he believes it without a doubt. It's not his place to argue with that.

Jesse can't even breathe while he processes those words. Tears sting his eyes, fixed on the floor in shame. His lips mouth a few words silently, like he's having trouble putting together a defense.

And then:]

No.

I won't do it.

[She doesn't say anything, just watched him. It's his response that reassures her, the pain in his eyes. He knew that Walt, too. Jesse may not have been married, but they were close, really close. Her eyes soften, and she leans forward to put her hand on his.

She's proud of him. She doesn't say so, but there's still some hope left. He's a good person, better than Walt. This isn't any kind of manipulation; Skyler just doesn't want him to be that person, the person that can kill someone without caring about the ramifications. Everyone has a line, what they have to do, but if it's just about some revenge and not life or death on Jesse's part, then he shouldn't.

He should keep some part of himself so when this is over, he can walk away from it.

So she just holds his hand in a way that says she's there for him, too. Everyone has offered to protect or be there for Sky. Mike seems like a fatherly type, so it's what he does. Saul seems to like taking care of things, and he has some sort of power here, so she doesn't doubt what he can do. But in this, she can just be there for Jesse.

And she kind of likes that.]

[He can't believe she's comforting him, after what he just admitted. But it's impossible for him to turn her away, and when she takes his hand, he responds by squeezing hers.]

I'm sorry. For saying any of that. I'm - I don't really wanna hurt anybody, I'm just trying to find the best way. For everybody. I know I keep screwing up, but I wanna fix things. And I know there's gotta be some way to do it.

[He raises his eyes to her, finally, the guilt still written on his face. He shouldn't say this, but he can't hold it back.]

The other guys, I know they're gonna want him dead no matter what. Like the second he shows up here. I dunno how to stop 'em except for telling 'em I'm gonna do it myself.

[Her thumb sweeps over the top of his hand, and she tries to shake her head. He doesn't owe her an apology.]

He's hurt a lot of people, and I can't even imagine what you've been through yourself. If what he's done to his own family is any indication... [He's manipulated and used them all.]

Mike and Saul are different. Mike's already seen a lot. And it's not like Saul is sinless. I just want to make sure that when this all settles you still walk out of this. No one is getting out of it unscathed, I know that. But you don't need to turn into him to survive it.

[She exhales slowly. That's what she wants for him. Things aren't looking good for her either. But if she's there for her kids, for her sister, and Jesse isn't some warped, cynical psychotic version of Walt, then maybe it's something to fight for. Something to get her through being on the moonbase, not even knowing how or where her daughter is.]

[He's no different from Mike or Saul. He's not pure or innocent in any way. He doesn't deserve to somehow walk away from this when Mike already paid with his life. What he's personally endured at Walter White's hands seems like nothing compared to that.

But Skyler doesn't want Jesse to kill Mr. White, so he won't.]

All that stuff you said... about what happens back home. It made me so glad because - because I wasn't sure. About what kinda person I was. Even if it all goes bad and I die out there... I died doing the right thing, right? Trying to help 'em catch him.

That's what's really important. I don't need more than that.

[She feels guilty when he brings that up. She shouldn't have said anything about it then, but so much was swirling in her head, and she could barely process what was going around her. Skyler frowns deeply.]

I don't know what happens, Jesse. I don't know what happened out there, just that Hank is dead. But you're right-- you helped them know about him. If he killed Hank and his partner, then you can bet they won't stop looking for him.

[And that's something. Her lips turn upwards. It's not exactly smiling, but it's something positive.]

You did something good-- right. Even when I couldn't. [Which makes him possibly better than her. Talk about not expecting that.]

[If Jesse was working with Hank, and if Hank's dead, then there's no one left to protect Jesse and the rest is just obvious. But it's okay. It was a matter of time. And Jesse's already been living with the assumption that he was dead meat, one way or another. You don't cross Heisenberg and live. He's just glad that he died doing something like that. If it had to happen, that's how he'd want it to happen.

Her last words trouble him, though. Is she really blaming herself here?]

He had you trapped. Right? He had you trapped like he does with people. Of course you couldn't do anything when you had the kids to worry about. It's easy for me 'cause I don't have anybody. What happens to me don't matter so much. But you got family to protect.

Of course it matters, Jesse. [Everything Walt did matters, and while she wanted Walt to tell her everything, she's almost glad he didn't. She would have seen everything he was destroying. It was bad enough being on the receiving end.]

I just-- should have realized. He never told me what he was doing, what he really did. But Gus? I don't even know how far that went, but I know there's a trail of bodies.

[Sky very much knows why she did what she did, but she also knows she's facing a lot of people that want answers when she goes back. And how much of it is going to fall on her shoulders?]

[Jesse briefly averts his eyes. His face is easy to read: he put some of those bodies there, himself. Which is another reason why it's no tragedy that he dies, though he desperately doesn't want to. He's afraid of what's going to happen. He can't even imagine how he's supposed to eventually find the strength to flip. The guilt, maybe, has something to do with it.]

...No way you coulda seen it. I was right there with him and there was still - there was all this stuff he did right under my nose and I never even knew. I mean, I knew it was terrible, but then it got worse. Whenever I thought it couldn't get any worse, it did. There's probably still stuff I don't know about.

[She takes a deep breath, trying to swallow down the guilt. What she's learning is that her and Jesse aren't too different in this whole thing. It doesn't make it easier, but there's a small sigh from her.]

I don't know what that means for us in the long run.

[It means they're going to suffer, of course.]

I - I dunno what'll happen when we go home. But we're safe here - from him, at least. And... I know, even when we go back, I'm gonna do everything I can for you and your family. If I'm still alive, if I'm with him wherever he's got your girl - I know for sure I wouldn't let anything happen to her.

[She knows he's trying to be reassuring, and it does mean something, but it's one of those moments where she just knows she's absolutely powerless, here and back home. It's been her worst nightmare in all of this, losing her kids and not being able to do anything about it. Of course even in the worst scenarios of gang violence or cartel hits, she never thought it would be her own husband that did it to her.]

Thank you, Jesse. [She pats his hand before sitting back, still not really comforted, but giving him some sort of smile. She believes him, but it's out of their hands right now.]

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( closed ) And I'm a goddamn fool, but then again so are you

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