exsiliumlogs | [OPEN] Wait, let me set the record straight: I was never really yours in the first place.

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[OPEN] Wait, let me set the record straight: I was never really yours in the first place.

Date & Time: January 9 and onward
Location: in and about town
Characters: Jesse & OPEN to anyone
Summary: A chance for an everyday encounter with Jesse. Put the date in your subject line!
Warnings: Breaking Bad spoilers are likely.

[Jesse might be the only one who finds Exsilium's current state beautiful rather than desolate and depressing. For more reasons than one, if given the choice between here and home, he'd choose here without hesitation. The snow and the chill do nothing to deter him from taking long walks. For as long as he can physically stand it, he prefers the cold over being confined inside four walls.

So he walks. Every day, without any particular destination, without anything else to occupy him. The concerns of the Initiative and the Transports are no longer his own. Whatever they're up to, they mean little to him. He's still got enough stolen Russian gold to pay for whatever he needs without having to work, so that's how he's choosing to live for as long as he's able. His time is spent doing whatever he wants to do, and at the moment, what he wants to do is wander.

Freedom: that's what this is about. No one is ever going to make him do anything ever again.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[He's tempted to repeat what he said to Stan: It wasn't a lie, technically. Just an omission of truth. He never said Jesse wasn't dead.

But that doesn't really matter at this point.

Saul leans back, unable to meet Jesse's eyes.]

I'm not mad about anything.

Really.

Really. Why'd you do it, huh? To get back at me? Were you waiting for that opportunity to present itself again?

[He twitches and shakes his head to clear it, holding up a hand.]

Stop trying to mess with me or I'll fucking kill you.

I'm not trying to mess with you. I wanna know — why'd you do it? What the hell was going through your head?

I don't remember.

And you know I don't remember.

Because you did it.

[If the building's exterior weren't only a few inches behind him, Saul might've stumbled back a few feet.

As it is, he comes to a hard stop against the wall, eyes wide.]

What?

I wasn't supposed to come back, was I? You thought you could just... just sweep the whole thing up while Aristeas was down. The only person who'd know I haven't touched heroin since Jane died is me. Anybody else who found out, they'd totally buy it. Stupid junkie, right back at it.

But most people wouldn't find out. They'd believe whatever story you gave 'em. So you gave 'em one they wouldn't even think about. He went home, yeah. And you were probably praying I did, 'cause you were so sure I'd be dead there, too. Good and dead, no more trouble for you.

[He can't even call Jesse crazy, because that all makes total sense.

But — ]

I didn't, Jesse. I swear to God, I didn't. I would never — the last thing I wanted was you dead! I was trying to save you! When you and Mike went off to do your thing, I thought — y'know, good, that's good, I'm glad —

[His voice cracks.]

I was glad you were moving on. I was glad you had him. I thought you'd be safe with him, and I knew you were still pissed at me because of what happened during the mutiny, so I thought I'd give you your space and then the next thing I knew, I felt — I felt the power you gave me disappear. And then I waited for Mike to call and tell me what the hell happened.

[With another shove:] I felt you die, you son of a bitch, and you're trying to tell me I did it?

[The worst thing is that he believes Saul. Jesse believes him, and he knows he shouldn't, and he knows how it's ended every other time he's believed Saul, and he still believes him. So what does that say? That Saul's telling the truth for once or that Jesse's doomed to be the world's biggest idiot forever?

He staggers back and keeps going, retreating from Saul and dragging his hands over his face. He can't take this, whatever it is.]

Just stay away from me!

I tried!

[And they ran into each other anyway.

Saul doesn't follow; he just leans heavily against the building, gaze locked on Jesse as he moves. He's curious to see if Jesse's really going to bolt — if this is really what the kid wants.]

[He tries, but he's not watching where he's going and ends up tripping and falling to his knees in the snow. Once he's down, he doesn't bother getting up again. He curls up there, his face still buried in his hands.]

Fuck. Fuck.

[Reflexively, he starts forward.

Then stops.

The petty, immature, hurt side of him wants to leave Jesse there and hit the road. He wants Saul to stay away? Fine. Perfect opportunity to do so. And anyway, why should Saul waste more of his time and energy on someone who thinks — who thinks everything that Jesse thinks of him? It's stupid. It's pointless.

But history's got that nasty habit of repeating itself, so Saul finds himself giving in, instead, to the side that missed the little idiot. He walks over, steps cautious, and extends a hand Jesse's way.]

Hey. C'mon.

[Yeah, history's repeating itself. And it makes Jesse feel sick - like he can't breathe, like he's going to puke all over himself. That feeling, like the minute he lets Saul back in, the others will come for him and drag him away. A whole other world and still nowhere to run. It still feels like he's got chains around his ankles. He wants to push Saul away, to scream not to touch him. It isn't fair that they won and they're still winning. It isn't fair that Saul gets away with this and he gets exactly what he wants, after everything he did.

What other choice is there, though? If he kills himself, he'll end up back in the cell. It's better to just play along, isn't it? Whether Saul did or didn't off him a month ago. Either way. It's like the choice Todd gave him: how bad is it going to hurt? That's the only part that's up to Jesse.

Shaking, Jesse reaches for Saul's hand.]

[Saul has no idea what Jesse's thinking. If he knew, he'd get the hell away as fast as his legs can carry him and never look back except to maybe reflect on how fucked up this whole thing was and take it as a lesson: This is why you shouldn't care about addicts. They don't get better. They just stop until they start again or die before they have the chance to.

Part of him wishes Jesse had stayed dead. Another part of him hopes there's some truth to that half-happy ending, that maybe Saul took Walt's money and ran and that was that.

But Saul feels like he's stuck with Jesse just as much as Jesse thinks he's stuck with Saul.

So.

He takes Jesse's hand, grip firm, and hauls him back up on his feet.]

[Once he's back on his feet, Jesse just... looks at Saul. Just looks at him, like he isn't sure what he's supposed to do now. This used to be the part where they'd hug and make up. Or maybe Saul's waiting for an apology first. But Jesse won't give him that much. Compliance, but no apologies.]

[He's waiting for something, but it's not an apology. Or a hug. Or anything he can identify, really; it's a weird feeling in his gut that comes and goes, usually only when Jesse's around. And usually only when they're at each others' throats.

Saul bites his lip, expression briefly turning into a pensive scowl before it softens again.]

Can I ask you something?

What?

Why's it so hard for you to believe I care about you when it was so easy for you to believe Walter did?

[He scoffs. What a stupid fucking question.]

Seriously. Why?

Look at all the shit he did to manipulate me into believing him, and tell me what part of that was easy.

The part where you believed him.

He made me crazy, Saul. He twisted my whole world up 'til I was crazy and I'd believe anything he said.

And now you don't believe anything.

[Not that Saul can blame him, but this is kind of his point.]

What do I have to do, Jesse? Do you really want me to stay away from you?

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