exsiliumlogs | (no subject)

It's a bit of a walk.

[ the new landscape of exsilium is still a little unfamiliar to allison as well, especially with ice covering half of it. but in her search with lydia for some place to live, she'd spotted a few nice spots and committed them to memory. she starts walking to the one she remembers being closest - one that's on a bit of a hill with the snowbank looking right over the frozen river. she hadn't seen anyone up there any time she'd passed by, so she figures that it'll be a safe bet for some privacy.

as they walk, allison's curiosity does get the better of her and she casts a concerned look at scott. ]

Is everything okay? [ maybe she should've waited until they got there to speak about whatever was clearly bothering him, but she ends up blurting it out before she can think twice about it. ]

[With Allison, there's always a careful line between when he'll tell her things and when he won't. At this point, Scott doesn't want to tell her the truth; talking to her doesn't necessarily mean he tells her what's wrong. That's always the problem with them, though, where they don't communicate on the same level. If they did, if only he understood half the things she was trying to tell him—but he's working toward getting there.

Right now isn't one of those times.

Scott debates what to tell her, head lowered.] I—the full moon's tonight. [It's a half, mostly vague answer that doesn't relate anything at all about how he's doing. There is a full moon tonight.] And I'm an alpha now. [Which is terrifying. It's voicing half the concerns, but none of the things he should be talking to her about.

In some way, it's indicating exactly what's wrong, what there is to see through that fog, but Scott isn't even fully aware of it himself.]

[ she's internally chastising herself for losing track of the days, especially after what'd happened on the moon. these were the kinds of things she was supposed to keep tabs on if she was ever going to take her oath of protecting the people seriously. not that she thought that scott would ever be a threat -- or at least, she hadn't until she picked up on the worry evident in his voice.

she stops and turns around to face him, her expression filled with concern. neither her father nor gerard had exactly said much about alphas, aside from the fact that they were generally dangerous and had to be stopped. but this was scott and he was different, right? he wasn't ruthless like the alpha pack, nor as uncontrolled as peter had been. besides, he had an anchor to keep him grounded —

the thought cuts short and allison's confronted with the painful reminder of just who exactly had been scott's monitor. she doesn't want to ask if it's the same now, given that it feels like too much of an intrusion and too much of a breach of the unspoken agreement of giving space that'd taken place between them. ]

You haven't transformed since?

[How does he explain it? What, precisely, does he say? "I don't think I can control it because I know that I hoped for nothing"? The words are right there on the tip of his tongue, and he looks at her uncertainly out of the corner of his eye. He doesn't want to put that much of it on her, as if he's making her responsible for it all.

That isn't fair.

So instead of pointing out the matter with the anchor, instead of dipping deep into those negative thoughts, he answers honestly—but in a different way.]

I can't control it. So I haven't tried. [It's short and clipped, almost entirely unlike him, and he looks at her as if he's looking through a haze.] But the moon's here now. So maybe it's too late to matter.

That doesn't mean that it's too late to try.

[ she tries to catch his gaze to show him that regardless of whether they were dating or not, she did care about him in some way, and she wouldn't let anything happen to him, or because of him. but the way he responds is so uncharacteristic that it sends a new wave of worry through her. ]

You've done so much in the past few months, Scott. I didn't think you were the type to give up.

[ maybe it comes out as a little harsh, but it's the truth. scott wasn't someone she saw regularly give into despair, and he was the reason the rest of them kept fighting to do whatever it was. it wasn't easy, but they'd always manage to overcome things -- he'd manage to overcome them. she doesn't want now to be the first time that he can't. ]

[There is almost a war of thoughts in Scott's head. There is the one part where he's relieved by the way she looks at him, by the way she cares, because of course Allison cares. Of course he's not someone who gives up. But these are not winning thoughts, they're being pushed down by the uncontrollable emotions, by the lack of control, and by the darkness (though he doesn't know the last part in the least).

He looks troubled after she responds, and not in the way of disbelief, but as if he is struggling to agree with her, to defeat these thoughts and latch on to what she has to say (in a healthy manner), but he isn't entirely capable. He glances down toward his hands, and already, he can see nails growing, as if the overwhelming sensation between the two is making it difficult to keep that aspect in check, as well.

Without responding, he closes his eyes and steadies his breathing, and then the nails vanish.

And then he adds:]

There's ... something else. [He swallows.] More than the moon, but the moon can really mess with me. More. [Enough to lash out, to lose control. The fact that she's here is the only reason he isn't gone yet, but that feeling is brimming almost like temptation.]

[ allison follows scott's gaze with a frown, catching onto the sight of the disappearing nails. the fact that he can push it back should quell her worries, but if he's losing control for it to happen in the first place -- well, it isn't a promising sign.

she hesitates slightly before reaching out and taking scott's hand in her own. maybe it'd be an idea to regret later, if any sort of potential awkwardness rose between them, but right now, she thinks that this is what scott needs; a human touch to remind him of his own humanity and to keep him grounded.

her thumb brushes across his palm and allison musters up the strength to try and sound as calm as possible. her mind is already drifting to possibilities related to their near deaths when saving their parents -- deaton had warned them of the adverse effects and allison herself had been no stranger to them (although thankfully, being in exsilium served to keep her distracted from most of them), but she can't be sure until scott confirms it. ]

You can tell me, Scott.

[The touch of her hand, of her thumb over his palm, calms him. It helps him focus. Even with the brimming and overwhelming feeling of negativity with regards to her, he is able to grab on to a firmer part of—well, himself. Maybe it's a bad idea, maybe he shouldn't cling to that, but he isn't really thinking that way right now.

It also helps him here, with Allison, because he can answer her question. He steadies his breathing and looks on ahead.]

I'm not sure. [It's a beginning.] I mean—I'm not sure what it is. Without Deaton here, I can't be sure. I think it has to do with what we did to help our parents. [Scott pauses, fingers curling lightly around her hand.] Has anything happened to you?

[ her hand stays firmly wrapped around his own, giving an encouraging squeeze, as she waits for him to continue speaking. everything he's saying only brings back flashes of her own memories — or rather, hallucinations. the flashes that she'd seen of kate whenever she'd closed her eyes, the way that she'd felt the darkness creeping in from the edges of her vision, even when she'd thrown herself entirely into something else in order to stop thinking about what it could mean.

yeah, she knows what he's talking about all too well, even if it hadn't manifested in the same ways. ]

I think so. I had — [ she catches herself on that word because is it really safe to say that they were a thing of the past? just because recent horrors in her real life had outweighed the ones of her imagination didn't mean that they'd gone away entirely. ] — I kept thinking that I was seeing Kate.

Did Deaton say anything at all? [ her attempts to comfort him aren't exactly working too well right now, but maybe if scott can recall something, it could help both of them. ]

[Before he responds, he focuses quietly on her, giving a slight shake of his head. Deaton. Deaton would be great right now for more than one reason, because he knows how to come up with plans, he knows how to help, and he would be prepared for this. Scott needs to protect everyone. It's a part of who he is, but he also feels in over his head here.

That's an additional factor in all of this.]

Unless the darkness was meant to be literal. [Scott admits in this short statement that he wasn't sure if that would the case.] And this is just how we're separately experiencing it.