exsiliumlogs | At The Place I'll Return to Someday [Closed]

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At The Place I'll Return to Someday [Closed]

Date & Time: August 7th
Location: 1888 Japan
Characters: Kido & Kano
Summary: Mission here a.k.a. frolic around Japan, steal some dogs, spend time together, w/e
Warnings: THEY NEED TO HAVE EMOTIONAL TALKS AT SOME POINT

[It started with a text. Want to go somewhere? Let's go to Japan. Come on, you and me. Was she homesick? Did she just want to get out? Maybe she wanted to prove she could do this again; leading, fighting, being someone stronger. She'd had enough rest.

But it wasn't just that. She texted him for a reason. They were on the verge of...something. Just in the distance, she could see some sort of change waiting. There was a different future if she could grab his hand and drag him forward with her.

He agreed. Maybe he wanted to get away with her, too?

Kido changed into the clothes given - thankfully they let her take male ones - and pocketed their spending money. She listened to everything in their briefing, already focusing on the mission. They could easily hit up a few of those targets between their combined abilities. If they got done fast enough, they could enjoy themselves a little, too...

She walked down the streets that weren't familiar but closer to home than anything they had been given so far and thought out loud to Kano.]

This shouldn't be too bad. I can steal the artwork from the one member... we can probably both take the dogs from the other... Just get the one drunk and encourage the daughter to go out on her own...

[A beat.] We'd have to go with her though. I'm not letting her run off and get kidnapped or something...

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It's difficult to maneuver the conversation away from the topic when she's so upfront and blunt about it. But that's the way Kido is. She'd never been the type to dance around her words, unlike him. When he tried to hide his wounds, she grabbed him by the arm to try to take care of them.

Even after making her wait all this time, he doesn't have an answer-- no, that's a lie. He's always had his answer. It's a 'yes.' It hurts to withhold it, because he wants to exclaim it as loudly as he can. He knows that's what she wants to hear. If he can acknowledge it, they'll surely, definitely be happy.

... he said to her a while ago that there was a difference between what made a person happy and what a person thought would make them happy. He can't tell her, but he's been afraid that these feelings were nothing more than a shallow well--a crush he's indulging in too much and would soon draw dry. If these feelings weren't true, what would she be left with?

'I feel that way about you.' Say it. If he could break in front of her and remain safe in her arms, wasn't that a sign for him to do so?

He watched the troubled expression on her face in the water. "... I'm not scared of confessing. It's pretty simple, isn't it?"

If it's so simple, why don't you say something? she thought. But then, that sounded like some roundabout rejection. It just eliminates 'yes' when he puts it that way. Kido shut her eyes. What the hell did he mean? Why did she have to guess?

It was the same as that night. Kido, trying to open up, tell him her honest feelings as best as she could, and Kano dodging around it, pushing away. Maybe... she made a mistake.

But no, she couldn't have. For every time he pushed her away with callous words, he also clung to her and gave her hope. Those mixed messages are the problem here. If she could just find the truth between them...

Kido tried not to let any of her fears show through. She kept her eyes on the water. What did she have to lose by just saying more?

His friendship? Would he leave her completely? No way. That sounded too ridiculous, didn't it...?

"Nothing is ever simple with you." The bitter edge couldn't be cut away completely. "It's not like I would blame you for turning me down. I never really put enough thought into you, did I? I've tried to make up for it but... if it's too little, too late..."

Even then, she would still be his 'knight'.

It's the answer he should support. Find someone better. Pick Seto, when we get back. Pick that boy who runs the bakery. Pick a stranger. Don't pick me. Even if that's the opposite of what he wants, it's the choice he should choose. In the end, this might be a passing infatuation sprung from spending months with only each other for comfort. Someone like him who makes her so angry everyday--

("You already make me happy everyday. Are you really that stupid that you haven't noticed it?")

--doesn't deserve her, doesn't deserve to be protected or saved by her. Heroes and knights slew monsters. He wasn't meant to be loved so openly.

But her words cut in a way he can't deny, more than her punches or kicks. Let it pass like this. It'll hurt less for both of them this way. Let her take the lie he's presenting her as the truth, because the truth is... even if it hurts...

"I don't remember turning you down." The words pop out before he can stop them, squeezed out by a strange pain in his chest. "I don't think I said anything like that."

They're going in circles again and she slams her fist into the ground, mouth going dry.

"Then what the hell are you saying?! Why can't you just say it?!" She doesn't want to shout at him or hear her own voice shake. That harsh prickling in the back of her eyes must be from frustration. That's all it is, it's not...

What does he mean? Even now she still can't figure it out? Ten years and months of getting closer, spending so much time together and actually trying to understand him and she still-

That... it was me being an idiot, as usual. In other words, they shouldn't be taken seriously.

What should she think? She spins it in circles even as her mouth opens again.

"I- I want to believe you! No, I do believe you. I said I believe in you, right? I do!" This is stupid. He won't say it now, will he? Despite what progress they made, she probably overestimated it.

But even if he turns her down, it won't make this feeling go away. Every beat of her heart hurts, sends that pain trickling down every vein, and every throb made her vision sway. Her fingers curl into the grass. "Damn it, Kano! Stop pushing me away! Just...say what you mean for once... Just give me that much!"

He can't help the flinch that jerks his body, that slight burst of adrenaline that shoots through him. He remembers that gesture (it was often repeated against a table or a wall whenever he was caught doing something wrong) and knows instantly that he's said the wrong thing. His instinct tells him to apologize. He needs to apologize and take the punishment for messing up.

--but didn't she tell him that there was no need to? No matter how he tries to hide, she'll find him. Those were the promises she made to him. And she's shouting, now, that she believes in him, even as he's ducking back and hiding.

Though the water ripples, he can see the tears in her eyes. He's fine if she hits him. He's fine if she calls him an idiot, or garbage, or any of those things. Those are the ways she tries to protect herself and cement her image as someone beyond that fragile girl she used to be. But he can't stand that pained honesty. Those glistening eyes...

She does so much for him already. Dressing up though he knows she hates it, moving in with him at his insistence, daring to open her heart to him only to have him stab it...

"--I'm sorry." His mask smiles, even as he bites the bottom of his lip. What is he apologizing for? His lies? His mistake earlier? He doesn't know. But he hopes that she can read him. That she can find him and forgive him for not saying what they both want outright. As much as he's opened up to her, that familiar fear that kept him from leaving the apartment now prevents him from leaving his masks behind.

"What I said... it's true."

"Don't apologise." It isn't said for his comfort. She doesn't look at him, doesn't want to see him smiling at her like everything's fine. Even now, he won't let her see his true face; just that mask, the same thing he uses to lie to her everyday. Big things or small things, she doubts a day passes that he doesn't lie with that smile.

But... he's trying a little. What he said? Which part? When? The other night, maybe...? Who does Kido like?

"...I still don't understand. So, what's true? What do you really mean?" Does he even know? Kido bites her bottom lip for focus.

"You don't even know what to be sorry for and you're just going to lie to me anyway." Kido can't keep the bitter hurt from her voice. Why bother? Her rests her head in her hand, speaking into the air, at the trees, anywhere but at him.

"Then you'll act like nothing happened. You'll just lie again. You're not even hurt by this, are you? You're just kind of sad you upset me but you don't care enough to tell me the truth. You say it was true but what? You're being vague again! You just- even when you say 'it's true' you don't explain anything! Why can't you just let me help you?! Do you think I'm that useless? Do you not trust me?"

She stops herself, biting her tongue. That's cruel. He does so much for her. Saying he doesn't care or trust her... isn't that going too far?

But she doesn't take it back and she doesn't want him to see her face. Let him find an answer to give her. If he can do that much- no, he owes her that much.

Kano doesn't answer. The water's surface had calmed in the lull of the wind, allowing the blurry reflections to maintain a quivering, whole form. She isn't looking at him now. Why would she, when all he'll give her is a fake smile? Ah, he didn't mean for it to hurt this much--he intended for it to smooth out the hurt that might've been caused, to ease this throbbing emotion into something safer and faded, controllable and easily forgotten. Because if he gave it too much thought, he'd surely become greedy. If his fangs sank in, he'd never let her go, even if it hurt her. He'd already begun to. Maybe this was the result.

He's hurting her this way too. But he's doing it because he cares so much. That's definitely the reason. It hasn't succeeded because he's a coward, and his resolve's weak--all it would take was a simple lie, a simple 'no,' and this wouldn't drag out.

But when he realized her feelings, when he confirmed them as Maru again and again, he found out that he'd been happy. His stupid heart was glad. So he wavered. He ducked and he hid when she followed his advice, when he got cold feet and discovered that this was something she wouldn't allow to fade. Please forget, please don't forget had been his two desperate wishes. Please...

It's true. He'll lie, lie, and lie again. But she promised that she'd listen. It's unreasonable to expect her to stay despite her brave declaration that she'll learn to hear him. He can't tell her everything she wants. If he does...

He realizes with surprise that it hurts to breathe. His mask is steady, but his voice is not. He can already feel the words quivering, shaking beneath the burden of his conflicting desires. He can't lie like this. His words are worthless here. He can't do anything. It's as if he's trapped in that closet again, the comfort he wants to give stuck in the silent spaces of their apartment as she spends sleepless nights away from nightmares of dying.

His hand moves. She can hit him if she wants. She can shout at him, punish him however. But he won't let her think that he doesn't care.

He lightly touches the back of her hand with his, his mask lifting just enough for her to see the diluted reflection of the expression beneath.

She doesn't want to think or wipe at her eyes, to acknowledge the hurt that threatens to leak out of them. But she doesn't know how to continue or what to say or if it's worth it right now to keep trying when she already feels so tired. Arguing with him like this exhausts her.

Another day...? She promised not to give up, so she won't, but right now, she's just so...tired.

The touch jolts her back. Kido doesn't want to look so easily but she's already turning her head. Her eyes still look glossy and widen when she sees his own expression.

She only felt his tears before and heard the shaking in his voice. Seeing this now...

"...You look pitiful," she mumbles without thought.

Her hand shifts to catch his fingers so he can't pull them away. However he meant for this to be taken, she doesn't care. It's a chance to bring more truth out of him, maybe, and she can't let it escape.

Please tell me the truth. Even if she doesn't say it, her eyes fixate on his and repeat it in silence, begging over and over. Please be honest about this, just this one thing...

Allow me one selfish answer.

His lips curve into a faint smile at her comment. So that's how he is. He can feel her trying to meet his gaze, even as he keeps his own fixed on her reflection. It's easier this way to hide. To lie. It's hopeless, it's selfish, but it's the first thought that comes to his head. This could all be ended with a simple word. But would she take it as the truth? Would she assume that he's doing it out of obligation, not from his genuine feelings...? They're true, they're true, they're true, he thinks, remembering her smile in Australia, the hazy days spent in that fever, the way they curled together in his bed, the way she held him in the closet...

He shouldn't open his mouth because his words have hurt her enough. The fact that she didn't pull her hand away was more than enough for him. If he can't say what he means, maybe he can convey it through touch. But even with that he hesitates before he allows his fingers to twine with hers, tightening just a bit.

"You shouldn't cry. You make me feel even more pitiful."

"I'm not crying," she protests without thought but sighs a moment after. No use trying to hide it. Unlike some people, she can't wear a mask. "...But if I was, then maybe you just shouldn't make me cry in the first place."

Once again, Kido is stuck trying to read into everything. If he isn't pulling away, if he's trying to keep hold of her hand, too, then...? Is he trying to say it?

But all she wants is to hear it. It hurts but she's stubborn. She gives his hand a squeeze to encourage him.

"Kano, please. Come on." Kido gives him a small smile. "For your knight? If that's what you're trying to say... then please."

"It's the monster's role. Did Kido expect something else from me?" His hand tightens, trying to hold on if she chooses to pull away. Idiot. Stop pushing. Stop pulling. "Sorry. That-- it wasn't very well-worded. I didn't mean to say that."

Tell the truth. His tongue aches. The pressure in his chest is almost unbearable. She can still smile despite everything, huh?

"I don't know what I'm supposed to say in return."

A monster? After all these years, he still thinks of himself that way? When she thinks about it, it's something that's gotten worse over the years.

"Even if I became someone entirely different?" Like a monster. It clicks just like that.

Kido laces their fingers together. "It's not about what you're supposed to say. It's about what you want. What you feel. That's what I'm asking to hear. What do you feel about me? What do you want from me?"

Don't say what will make me happy...

"Say what you really feel and want, that's all."

"Kido wants a romantic confession, doesn't she? Something really sweet and cute that would make a teenage girl cry into her pillow." He stops. "It's really fun for a lot of people to think about it. Did you imagine it a lot? Did I have flowers in my hand? Ah, maybe I was dressed up, too, or I baked you a cake to ask you. That would've been something, right?"

I wanted to tell you since you died.

"A lot of girls asked me for that too, back home. To say I liked them, you know."

Though he probably didn't mean to, she can feel that line she drew between him and the weakest parts of her heart cut through. Her stupid little fantasies that she barely allowed herself, so easy to step on.

Kido looks back at the water again, shoulders tense. They probably weren't romantic. She never imagined he would have flowers. Kano wouldn't do things like that for her - ah, that cut in her heart bled a little more at the thought - but it was fine.

"I-I know. I hated that. It was so irritating. You flirted with everyone." She wants to let go of his hand but can't bring herself to move away. "...But I'm not delusional, you know. I never imagined anything romantic, so don't mock me again like that."

Her voice goes quiet. "I just wanted to hear it. I didn't even expect that. No reason to. So... hearing it would be enough, if you felt that way..."

At last, Kano lifts his eyes from her reflection to look at her. "... I wasn't mocking you."

It's spoken just as quietly as hers, a reserve he didn't show often laced in his voice.

"I told a lot of those same girls I liked them. But I never got the chance to date any of them. See, see, it was a problem of getting to know them and what everyone at home would say. And I think they got tired of my attitude, too, between you and me. Yeah. That definitely was a factor, too." Kano leans in a little closer to see her face better. He can feel that tension in her body and lets go of her hand, even though it's difficult to untangle his fingers. He rests it next to hers.

"But it's fine. I didn't like them, anyway."

When he leans close, she can feel the heat rushing to her cheeks. It's the words that send a painful jolt of hope through her chest, heart beating faster, and she knows it must be obvious. Everything about her is apparently obvious to him.

(She crushes down the stupid jealousy over his story. She always knew he said those things to girls. She wasn't oblivious. It still...)

"...So, do you have someone you like then?" No, no. When she says it like that he can escape, so she quickly changes it. "If you do, who do you like?"

Ah. She's catching on. Kano doesn't say anything for a moment, letting the silence stretch on to the point where it felt awkward. It'd be cruel of him to back out now. If he did, she might never forgive him.

(That's what you wanted, right? a voice deep inside him hissed. That's what you planned to do when you realized how you felt.)

Keep talking. Keep deceiving. Don't let her know that something's off. He picks up from his verbal fumble, talking on as if he's chatting about the weather instead.

"I have a lot of people I like. I like Seto. I like Ayano, Kaede, Shintaro, too, ah, and Kisaragi and Mary and most everyone I met here. I have a lot of people I like! It's hard to narrow it down to one."

That silence dragged too long. She knows between that and his babbling what he's avoiding but can she really force him out just through words?

She could ask who he loves. But there would still be a few people. And she doesn't know if she can say it when just the thought makes her dizzy. It's too embarrassing.

"Kano, you know what I meant!" Kido frowns and shifts her hand to place it over his again. "Tell me. Do you want to confess to someone? Who is it? Tell me, damn it."

"I like almost everyone I meet." And there he goes, talking on and on as if he didn't even hear her. But he turns his hand to grab hers, daring to give a brief smile. If he acted confident, maybe he will believe he knows what he's doing.

"... that's right, that's right. But, I think, when it comes to you... I don't like you."

His heart's racing by now. He can feel that he's standing on the edge of something that, if he took a step forward, he wouldn't be able to step back and out of it. He's tried to keep her away and apart all this time because it was for her own good-- ah, no. That wasn't it at all, was it? It was because he was selfish, and he didn't want anything outside of that unconditional, unchanging infatuation.

"I don't like you at all."

"Wha... What?" Her voice sounds so small. Not at all? He doesn't like her... at all? Kido grips his hand despite the numb pain draining through her body. If she doesn't hold on, she'll fall right over in shock.

"What do you mean? What do you mean you don't like me at all?! Not even- not even as friends? Or family?! You don't...?! You... Kano..."

Kido opens and closes her mouth, unable to put words to this spinning world around her.

"That's not how I feel." He continues calmly, as if he hasn't said anything out of the ordinary. Her reaction hurts. That's to be expected. But his mind's made up.

He can't turn back now.

"That's not how I feel at all." Kano closes his eyes, dropping his mask. "So... asking if I 'like' you... that word isn't the right one at all. That isn't an exact match."

Is he really saying that? It feels like a rejection but those words lead her somewhere else. Assuming might hurt but it can't hurt anymore than the rest of this does, right?

Kido swallows and glances down, unable to look at him. Just say it. Just suggest it. Nothing can hurt more. He'll have to answer if she does.

(She's scared. She can't breathe.)

"Do-" She can barely hear herself and tries to speak louder, so that he can't pretend he doesn't hear her. "...Do you... ah, that is... what about 'love'?"

"Do you think it is?" That crushing feeling in his chest is growing and growing. If he takes too long, he won't be able to speak at all and he'll hide behind lies again.

"... hey, hey. What's Kido acting so nervous for? Does she think I'm going to say no?"

"What am I supposed to think when you just keep turning them into questions?!" She feels like he's spun her around in so many circles that she can't see straight. That pounding in her ears won't stop, either.

How red must her face be...?

"I-I don't know what to think at all. That's why I'm asking you to just...please..."

"Kido said she believed in me. She really should and not worry over things like this. Ah, if I ran off and said I hated you after everything, would you believe me?"

His eyes open again, and, as gently as he could, he touches her mouth lightly with a finger. It feels so strange to make himself smile without the aid of his eyes. But he wants her to be able to see what he feels on his face, just as he can see the emotions on hers.

"If I did something like... let's see... if I kissed you... would that make it clearer?"

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