exsiliumlogs | Awake

Entry tags:

Awake - OPEN POST

Date & Time: Thurs Sept 19th, probably morning ish?
Location: Infirmary
Characters: Kili and whoever would like to pop in and visit
Summary: Kili's waking up from dying during the party
Warnings: talk of death, angst

[It feels like breaking the surface after being under water too long. Kili's lungs burn and he gasps for breath, chokes, rolls onto his side and struggles for air. There's voices around him but he can't quite make anything out. It's all he can do just to breathe, panting and twitching slightly where he lays.

His fingers curl, feeling the soft fabric of bedsheets. He holds to them and his eyes stay closed as he tries to make sense of what's happened and where exactly he is. There's a distinct lack of warmth on either side of him, so he can't be in bed with Fili, and that's the only place he can think that he might be, after such an awful nightmare...

Snatches of it come back slowly, the agonizing pain, Celebrian singing, blood and broken bones and crushed lungs, Fili's horror-stricken face...

It feels so real. More real than any of the nightmares he's ever had before. He's still shaking and breathing hard, feeling weak as a lamb and scared. He'd been dying, and he can't shake the image of Fili holding onto his hand, watching him die. Kili shudders violently and sits up, finally opening his eyes.]

...Fili...?

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[A few more days and it'll be a week, a whole week since Fili was reintroduced to being just Fili, something he hasn't been for close to his entire life. He doesn't remember what it was like before he was a brother – not like these past few days, that's a safe guess. They've already begun to blur together into sleeplessness, hours spent training, Kili's face in those final moments, visits to the Infirmary. There's something bigger going on in this world that he can barely grasp.

And he can't get his head around death in Exsilium, doesn't know if he should trust what he was told and hope for it. He'd think that Kili must have made it to the Halls, but it's not much of a comfort.

He's here again. He tries not to think about that, because it goes down a path of jumbled, unanswered questions. It'll be just a quick stop, just in case.

Today, some of his questions are answered.

Somehow, Kili is there, breathing, and when Fili is at his bedside, he rushes forward almost immediately to seize his brother's sleeves with trembling hands.]

Kili-- [Those two syllables crack.] You're... [All right?]

[It's Fili's face that tells him everything.

He's just been waiting quietly, sitting in his bed with his fingers curled into his sheets, head bowed. Kili's never been to the Infirmary before; he doesn't recognize it, only that there's helpful people that tell him to rest and that he's too weak to leave just yet.

He starts to wonder if the nightmare really was real.

And then he sees Fili's face, his anxiety and relief, and Kili knows that it can't have been a dream. Fili looks like he's seen a ghost and Kili can hardly blame him.]

Fi--

[Oh Mahal. There's a lump in Kili's throat and he throws his arms around his brother's neck, hiding his face in his shoulder.]

It...it was all real, then...?

[He asks the question in a trembling voice even though he's sure he already knows the answer.]

[They could just about think that it wasn't real – Kili is here, whole. But exactly that makes Fili realize even more acutely how lost he's been since the other night. It was as if he'd had one of his arms hacked off.

They both know that it was real.

Is Kili all right? He died. He's come back from death. He remembers what happened.

Pulling Kili into an embrace that might squeeze all the air from his lungs, Fili pushes his face into the crook of Kili's neck.]

I'm sorry. [He breathes in deeply to combat the stinging behind his eyelids and holds onto his brother as though he'll drown if he lets go.] I'm sorry, Kili.

[It's a little too tight of an embrace, one that reminds Kili of the one he gave Fili upon finding him in the marketplace. But this is so different...

Fili hasn't just been living without Kili, he's been living after watching Kili die.

Kili trembles and hugs his brother back just as tightly, fingers curling into his shoulders and his nails biting just a little too much. It's almost too much to take in; Kili doesn't want to believe it was real. He'd rather think it was a nightmare.]

Wasn't your fault, khazash. [His voice shakes and he slips instinctively into Khuzdul, low enough so no one can hear but Fili.]

[Who convinced Kili to go and have fun? To stay longer? Who arrived at his side much too late? What was supposed to be a reprieve from being here, especially for Kili, turned into anything but, and Fili can't agree with his brother.

But he says nothing else on that. For what must be several moments, he says nothing at all. Beneath his hands, he can feel every breath Kili takes – in, out, as if they had never stopped. There's none of that awful gasping that rang in Fili's ears afterwards whether he was awake or sleeping, and he tries to silence the memory for good.

Finally, he leans away a bit, hands still grasping the back of Kili's clothing. Are you all right is a question he can't ask, just like he can't tell Kili to be more careful.]

... Do you want to get out of here? [This room might be worse than theirs. Its walls and these sheets clash with Kili – on the other hand, Kili looks like he shouldn't even be sitting up yet.]

[Fili has always been an anchor to Kili, ever since they were children. Where Kili is wild and too energetic and thoughtless, Fili's more sensible, stopping Kili when perhaps his ideas were a little too reckless and taking care of him when his wild plans went badly wrong.

While perhaps this time Kili isn't hurting because of something he chose to do, it still feels the same. Fili's still there, just as firm and strong as ever, anchoring him back down when he feels like he's hopelessly lost and afraid. The leftover fear from the 'nightmare' calms with his brother here, and by the time Fili pulls back, Kili's more stable, more ready to talk.

Regardless of whether he should be or not, Kili is sitting up, though he's still a touch too pale and trembling every so often.]

Obviously. [He glances around and sighs.] But I don't think I can.

[The answer makes him frown, worry returning, and his gaze wanders over Kili in an attempt to determine how he's doing physically, if nothing else. There could be all sorts of reasons why Kili wouldn't be able to leave the Infirmary straightaway. Obviously, for one, it isn't a simple injury to put behind him that he's recovering from.]

You could do with some company, then – company that's going to tell you to lie back down. [And he moves his hands to Kili's shoulders to guide him along to do just that.

Whether Fili feels strong or not, it's not hard to be that for Kili. It's the least he can do.]

If you insist. [He sticks his tongue out at his brother but lays back down, free hand snaking out to take one of Fili's in his.]

...You're alright though?

[That might be the most reassuring thing to see yet. Finding it a little easier to smile at Kili for it, Fili squeezes his brother's hand, but there's a sliver of a pause before he gives Kili an answer.]

I didn't get hurt. [It's not quite as easy to keep up smiling. Fili turns his head towards the closed door.]

And the Lady Celebrian stayed safe, too.

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