Emil Castagnier (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
knightofcourage) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
exsiliumlogs2013-07-11 08:24 pm
knightofcourage) wrote in exsiliumlogs2013-07-11 08:24 pm
[Closed]
Date & Time: July 11th, afternoon
Location: Unit 103
Characters: Emil Castagnier, Aster
Summary: Face twin meets face stealer, awkwardness ensues.
Warnings: Mention of murder and excess of blond teenage boys.
[Nearly a week of hiding out at Kaneis's place, and Emil still hasn't figured out a good time to do anything. He's been watching Aster through the tablet, trying to figure out what he knows - and it's not much, from what he's seen Aster say. It's not as though Emil deserves better, but the fact that Aster doesn't seem to remember anything about their meeting in the Ginnungagap makes everything even worse.
How could you tell anyone you'd killed them without a thought? Let alone taking their form for your own purposes? In all this time spent rarely straying from the room (impromptu hat adventures aside) he's thought of a thousand things he could say to Aster, but not a single one that Emil could go out and say right now without ruining everything for Aster - Aster, who Richter cared so much for and who seems like such a good person now that Emil has seen more of him. Everything he's seen says that Aster deserves far more than he got; Emil deserves the exact opposite. He can't just destroy all that...or so Emil tells himself.
And so five and a half days of thinking himself in circles later, Emil's sitting around in Kaneis's room when he hears a knock at the door. He's a little bit curious, but figuring that the caller must be a friend of one of the (permanent) occupants here he elects to stay where he is. Less awkward questions that way, right?]
Location: Unit 103
Characters: Emil Castagnier, Aster
Summary: Face twin meets face stealer, awkwardness ensues.
Warnings: Mention of murder and excess of blond teenage boys.
[Nearly a week of hiding out at Kaneis's place, and Emil still hasn't figured out a good time to do anything. He's been watching Aster through the tablet, trying to figure out what he knows - and it's not much, from what he's seen Aster say. It's not as though Emil deserves better, but the fact that Aster doesn't seem to remember anything about their meeting in the Ginnungagap makes everything even worse.
How could you tell anyone you'd killed them without a thought? Let alone taking their form for your own purposes? In all this time spent rarely straying from the room (impromptu hat adventures aside) he's thought of a thousand things he could say to Aster, but not a single one that Emil could go out and say right now without ruining everything for Aster - Aster, who Richter cared so much for and who seems like such a good person now that Emil has seen more of him. Everything he's seen says that Aster deserves far more than he got; Emil deserves the exact opposite. He can't just destroy all that...or so Emil tells himself.
And so five and a half days of thinking himself in circles later, Emil's sitting around in Kaneis's room when he hears a knock at the door. He's a little bit curious, but figuring that the caller must be a friend of one of the (permanent) occupants here he elects to stay where he is. Less awkward questions that way, right?]
no subject
[The words are short but distant as Emil realizes that his mind is suddenly blank. He's gone over this conversation in his head a thousand times already, but seeing Aster now all of it is suddenly gone - all he can remember is a haze of regret and fear. What should he say now?
He steps back from the door, giving Aster space to come inside. Aster may notice that Emil's avoiding eye contact now that Aster isn't right in front of him, whether it's intentional or not.]
no subject
Deciding the best option is to give him some space, he leans back against the door itself to avoid getting too close. It's not as though Aster's worried about Emil leaving anymore. If he had wanted too, it would have happened already. It's been happening for nearly five days now. All that's stopping him is a skinny little researcher in front of a door.
After a few moments pass, Aster offers another smile and says: ]
I'm afraid this is a first for me. There were many things I wanted to ask you however...
[The weirdness of the situation has silenced even him, for a short time anyways. There's a pause and he presses a hand to his chin.]
Maybe I should have wrote them down after all.
[This is a good way to start a conversation with your secret face twin, right? Right.
And this is the most awkward thing ever, right?
Right.]
no subject
[Like who he is, and why he looks like Aster. Good questions, with answers he'd never gotten remotely close to right even if he could remember them.
Emil tries to battle against the blank panic obscuring his memory, but he still can't remember any of the things he imagined telling Aster in his head. It's as if all this time has been for nothing, because he doesn't feel any more ready for this conversation than he did when he first came to stay at Kaneis's. And maybe he isn't - maybe all of that really was for nothing.]
...Please. Sit down.
[Is he being polite? Is he stalling? It's both, even if he doesn't realize it. He meets Aster's eyes for just a second and tears his own away again quickly, unable to look at them for long. Seeing his own face is disconcerting (not that it's truly his face, he reminds himself; it belongs to Aster), and it's hard enough to think of anything meaningful to say as it is.]
no subject
[Again, Emil surprises him and Aster can't help to feel for him. While he's having the same issues mentally, his reaction is to stare at Emil as though it will help him decipher was happening by himself. The only familiarity here is the way he looks and sounds, for obvious reasons. His attire and manner don't ring any bells.
What he does know, is that Emil has something to say and knows the answers to questions that have desperately nagged Aster ever since he first started looking into this strange kid. The atmosphere is tense and it worries him, but the time to lighten the mood wasn't now. It wouldn't help anything now.
Nothing has shook him up this much before.]
Then if you don't mind, I'd like to know...who are you, exactly?
[Emil Castagnier, Aster knows this much, but there has to be something beyond that. It seems like a simple question, and maybe it is, but in this room it's important. A room of two people who look exactly alike, probably down to every strand of hair. he was taught to always start at the beginning because it's the basis for everything to come and he'll follow it even now.]
no subject
[That's the easier truth, for once. If Aster had been any other person from his world (except Mithos and company) Emil would have told him anyway. It's everything else that's hard.]
I've been watching you. I'm from several months after your time.
[He swallows and closes his eyes, preparing himself for the next part because now that this is actually happening the longer he waits to say it the worse it'll be. Oh god, he's so sorry.]
...And your death.
no subject
[That first answer had been shocking. Not because it was impossible, it was quite possible, since the summon spirits had such an ability. No, what's surprising is that the form was his. Why had Ratatosk done that? And why hadn't he said that before? What was the point of taking up a persona?
That's when it starts to nag at him again. The initial meeting with Ratatosk. He sounds different this time, is acting different and-
and your death
For a moment, he can't discern between what he was thinking and what was said out loud. It's only Emil-Ratatosk's-body language that cues him off and after a few seconds of silence, he says:]
My...death?
[The words come out quietly. Aster had been slouching up until this point. Now his body straightens considerably and he finally, for the first time since his arrival, looks away from Emil to the ground. He needs a second. What did that mean? How could he be dead?
It had to be a mistake.
He wishes he could voice that thought, but this is Ratatosk. This is a summon spirit. A spirit that managed to take his form. How could he be mistaken about something like that?]
What are you saying? What happened?
[When Aster turns to look back at him, his voice is steady, but his expression gives way to how he's really feeling. Confused. Upset. Things he rarely felt through most of his life. There's no anger, but he obviously wants more answers. Aster may have been nagged with bad feelings about this meeting, but he never thought this would happen.]
no subject
His tone of voice has been relatively flat up until now, but there's a lot of shame creeping up into it now.]
It was my doing. When you and Richter awakened me, I was furious. I would have destroyed humans and half-elves for what happened to my tree, and you...at the time, you were just another human.
[It's a terrible thought now, but he remembers how he felt back then. The tree he had been bound to for thousand of years, gone because of one boy's betrayal - it's still painful, even now.]
I've changed my mind since then, but that's no excuse for what I did. I'm sorry...even though I don't have the right to say anything like that to you.
no subject
The one that just apologized for what he did.
Aster doesn't say anything at first, only shuts his eyes and presses his hand to his forehead. The conversation went many ways in his mind, but he never expected this. However, this is what he wanted. He came here to learn the truth about what happened, and despite how hard it was to accept it, this was it.
He takes another deep breath and stands up, facing Ratatosk.]
...For all my research and everything I claimed to know about you, I should have known you would be unwilling to accept our proposal then. We barged into your home with demands.
[There's a note Aster can't help to focus on. I've changed my mind. Their goal, the ultimate purpose of that visit, was to get Ratatosk to help their planet. It had gone poorly, but if he is willing to save their world, to give up on harming the people he loved so much, then Aster can't help but feel something was accomplished from that visit. ]
It's not entirely your fault.
[Now he's the one looking down, eyes shut again.]
I was so eager to...do something. Anything. I never thought about all the lives I would put at risk in the process.
[Things may have changed now, but what if they hadn't? Then Aster's one blunder could have plunged the world into complete chaos. The world he wanted to fix would have been destroyed in a moment and his friends would have suffered greatly for that mistake. At that thought, Aster opens his eyes and says quickly:]
W-Wait. What about Richter? Don't tell me he...
[he died too]
no subject
The question about Richter, though, puts him off of that train of thought just a bit. That's right, Aster wouldn't know. And it's going to be hard to tell him. It's a pretty long story, and not a happy one besides.]
No. Richter, he...just after I killed you, Richter struck me down. I was weak after just awakening, and so I was forced back into my core form. After that, a lot of other things happened.
[He's not sure how much to say to Aster, honestly. Emil's told him enough terrible things already - surely Aster wouldn't want to know what his friend was really up to in the months since then. So he skips over a lot of the messy details and goes straight to the end. That's probably disappointing enough as it is.]
Richter's still alive, but since the time the two of you were there the door to Niflheim has been opened. He's remaining in the Ginnungagap along with me now, helping me prevent the demons from taking over our realm.
no subject
[While Aster had feared the worst, what actually occurred wasn't much better. Niflheim? How did it go from attacking Ratatosk to joining up with him? It doesn't take a genius to figure some things were left out. 'A lot of other things' indeed.
In a bizarre way, Aster can believe Richter took it upon himself to help prevent demons. He had always been a kind person and helping to protect the world seemed up his ally, though that in particular is the last place he ever expected him to be or wanted him to be. It was too dangerous.
He can tell his best friend had been through a lot, and Aster was there for none of it. Would be there for none of it.]
...When you get back-
[That almost hurts to say. You. Because Aster knows if they leave this place, he won't be going along.]
-will you continue to watch over him, even after the demons are dealt with? He gets grumpy when he's left alone for too long.
[Aster's voice is somber by now, even though it's obvious he's trying pretty hard to sound happier. It's just how he deals with things though it has none of the light, joking tone he tried to force earlier. The information so far has been troubling at best and draining at worst, but he has courage. He can keep going.
He has to know if anything went right during all this.]
no subject
I will. It's the least I can do, after everything I've done. And...Richter means a great deal to me, as well.
[Emil takes a chance and looks directly at Aster now.]
I know this isn't what you wanted to hear. I'm sorry for all this...for everything.
no subject
[Hearing Ratatosk apologize is surreal. Even if it doesn't change anything about what happened, Aster still appreciates it. That he felt bad about it and that he would take care of Richter. It's good to know he would have a friend out there.
Even though it's over his own death, Aster's never been the type to hold grudges. It was a mistake. They happen. It's obvious Ratatosk felt bad about it now and Aster's going to have to accept what happened, everything, for what it is. After a brief moment, he takes a seat next to Emil. There's some space between them, but not nearly as much as before.]
No, it's not what I hoped occurred after that day. I truly thought we would be able to change your mind and that the mana imbalance would be taken care of.
[A brief pause.]
However you did tell me the truth and I appreciate it. The whole purpose of coming here was to find out so I suppose you did tell me what I wanted to hear, in a way.
[Trying to sound happy is pretty difficult in this situation, but at least he's giving it his A+ effort.]
...It's okay, Ratatosk. I'm not angry.
[Depressed and frustrated yeah, but the only anger he has is directed to himself right now. If only he had paid more attention or taken more precaution, this might not have happened.]
Were you able to fix our world?
no subject
Emil looks away again, and when he speaks up his voice is subdued.]
The Centurions have all been awakened. Soon enough, the balance of mana should go back to normal.
no subject
If only one thing went right during all this, Aster can only be glad it was that. He notes Ratatosk looking away again, but doesn't comment out loud on it, instead moving slightly away in case that was the issue.]
I'm relieved. It hasn't left my mind since arriving here. The last thing I remember is conversing with you and...
[It wasn't going well.]
The world will survive now. It should ease tensions among the people too.
[Aster seems more relaxed at the news since he doesn't know things had escalated to such extremes between the people yet. It was a great burden in his mind. Finding out he was dead and Richter was guarding Niflheim was draining, but at least he could take solace in the fact the world would continue and survive. ]
no subject
That will take time, but eventually I hope it will.
[Emil doesn't make any move to turn back, and he's not sure how to take the fact that Aster's moved away. Still, there's a tiny spark of optimism in his words.
He'll never be able to see for himself what's going on in the world outside the Ginnungagap, outside of word from the Centurions. But he believes in Marta and his other friends, who worked so hard to bring the worlds back together and keep them safe. Despite the damage the Vanguard has done, Emil has seen for himself that the people of both Sylvarant and Tethe'alla can get along.]
It might take years, or decades, but with time I believe they'll be able to get along.
no subject
I'm glad you think that too. It's been hard for them, but I know the people of the two worlds, whether they're human or half elf, will come together and work with each other to make a peaceful world. They will learn from their past mistakes.
[His tone is growing quiet and thoughtful again. The main questions were out of the way, despite his growing curiosity for what happened during all those middle years, but he'll get Ratatosk to tell him one way or another.
]
I have one more question to ask you.
[Another brief pause. Now, it's time for the very first question that ever entered his mind. It's simple enough to ask, but difficult at the same time.]
The form you have taken...why is it mine?
no subject
That...I didn't mean to, although that's no excuse. When I was reawakened, I wanted to hide myself until I regained my strength. To do that, among humans, I assumed a human form. I didn't have the time or the knowledge to create a new appearance for myself, so I assumed that of one of the last humans I'd seen before I was struck down. That was you.
[Also, Aster isn't the one that features in Emil's traumatic death flashbacks. (For that matter, Aster is practically the only human/half-elf Ratatosk's dealt with who hasn't killed either him or his tree. Feel special, Aster.)
Thinking back on it, though, any choice would have been a terrible one. Emil doesn't know what he should have done under the circumstances, but he wished he'd done better than take the form of somebody he murdered himself.
Not that that's all he did.]
I didn't mean any harm, but I know now I shouldn't have done it. ...That's also why I go by the name Emil Castagnier now. At that time I lost my memory of who I was, and I came to believe I was human when the real Emil's mother mistook me for him.
no subject
Aster isn't angry over it. He's stuck in his own thoughts. It's not a matter of should Ratatosk have done it or not. There was no choice, from Aster's perspective. Remaining as a core wouldn't have been an option for him. While he would have preferred Ratatosk use someone else's body since he was dead, he can't help to think how interesting it would have been if he were still alive. A summon spirit taking on the form of an actual human.]
...I understand. It must have been difficult for you. How were you able to get your memory back?
[He truly does understand why it's like this, even if it doesn't make the situation any less awkward. This was a lot to grasp, even for him. He leans forward, placing an elbow on his knee and resting his head in his hand. While it may not truly be his fault, Aster thinks that's so and can't believe this all occurred due to his own negligence. Surely Richter had suffered through all this as well. Even Rilena, what happened to her? ]
no subject
[In potentially the worst way possible and also while trying to kill Emil, but hey! Details.]
It didn't happen all at once, but after that I had to accept it quickly. That was around the time when the door to Niflheim was about to be opened. It wasn't until a short while before I arrived here that I regained my full memory.
[Not exactly a highlight of his life. He remembers all too well the turmoil he felt back then, and looking back now it all happened so fast. Anything is fast in comparison to thousand of years, of course, but even aside from that it had been one thing after another after the raid on Vanguard headquarters.
He has all the time in the world now, though. It's hard to kill a summon spirit.]
no subject
Richter did? Were you two together for long, before having to seal Niflheim?
[But in reality, he isn't surprised. Richter has been wrapped up in Emil's-Ratatosk's life-since the day they discovered he was still in the
world. It seemed like they had both been through a lot. It's hard to believe that just a few months after his time, all this occurred and then some.
And above all it's still difficult for him to imagine Richter having to guard that door now. All because of his reckless actions, demons almost ran amok.]
I'm glad your memory returned in time and...I'm sorry. To the both of you.
[Ratatosk meet Aster. The guy who pretty much apologizes for his own death and the events that occurred after even though he had minimal involvement.]
This was never our intent. We knew there were risks in meeting you and trying to awaken the centurions, but opening the door to the demonic realm...that wasn't a possible outcome to me. I was careless.
no subject
No, you weren't. You were right to come to me...it's my duty to oversee the world's mana. That hasn't changed. Everything that happened did so as a result of my anger, don't you see?
[The pitch of his voice rises at the end, because there's only so long he can hold in the confusion. He honestly can't comprehend why Aster could blame himself, because it isn't his fault at all!
Aster may feel free to notice he's not addressing the part about Richter, though whether it's because his mind on other things or out of deliberation is up in the air.]
no subject
And it's the first time he's heard that reaction out of him. It causes Aster to look towards him now.]
Exactly. It was the result of years of anger. An anger I should have been able to predict given the extent of our research on you.
[Ratatosk has been the focus of his life for so long. While he knew he was dealing with a living, sentient being, that focus never shifted to compare those same emotions to human ones. Ratatosk had his tree destroyed and then was left to guard the demonic realm, practically forgotten by time until the world was in trouble again.]
We could have...I could have dealt with the situation better. Perhaps if I had thought beyond our original plan, none of this would have happened to him or you.
no subject
[Emil can't just tell him everything right now. But he can't just let Aster shoulder the blame, either. Everything that happened - no, Aster did everything correctly.]
I was the one who reacted so badly. The other spirits all were able to move on and form pacts with Sheena when she needed them. Even Volt, who probably felt much the way I did.
[Thanks for that information, Sheena. Her tale of what Volt did to her village still strikes a painful chord with him, so the memory's stuck.
But at least Volt got past it. Emil? He doesn't even have the courage to agree to form a pact with Sheena, even when he trusts her absolutely. Sometimes it feels like he's as good of a summon spirit as he is a human, i.e., not very.]
It was me who couldn't accept what happened. I was the only one who went so far that I would have gone out and tried to erase humanity from the world. If it hadn't been you, it would have been someone else...it wasn't because of anything you did at all.
no subject
[Ratatosk had certainly grown a lot from when they first met, despite their very short and unpleasant meeting at that. Aster can be assured the world will be in good hands once they return. It's doubtful that he'll ever be able to fully place blame on Ratatosk. There will always be a part of him that will continually feel like it's his fault as well.
He straightens his posture, looking over to the wall.]
If I may ask, I'm wondering if it is possible for us to start over.
[He looks back to Emil and offers another small smile.]
It may be difficult, but I would like to get to know you better as you are now, if that is okay.
no subject
[He's hearing it, but...can that really be what Aster wants? Even after what Emil's heard from Richter, he can't possibly imagine that Aster would continue to think like this.
He deserves Aster's hatred, not his apologies. Not a new start. And the worst part is, he can't bring himself to say no either - to deny Aster what he wants.
So there's a period of silence as he waits for Aster to change his mind and a few confused glances, and then he looks visibly uncomfortable as he says it, but eventually Emil responds.]
...If that's what you want.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)