alcohol, your songs resound like my life never will

[moralperil]

Date & Time: 8/13/13, evening, two hours after this conversation.
Location: a bar of Jack's choosing
Characters: Mahdi (moralperil) & Jack (allucinator)
Summary: Mahdi's celebrating his one year anniversary in Exsilium. Jack promised Mahdi a drink, Mahdi bumped it up to two.
Warnings: TRIGGER WARNINGS: PTSD episodes, discussion of sexual abuse.

[There's a lot for him to think about, out in the rain. Mahdi tries not to sulk and dwell on being called 'kid', on being treated childishly. In a year here, he's only just recently started to understand this attitude comes from people who want to look out for him. They can't know how impossible a task that is.

It sucks, in a way. He'll probably always be the one who's like a little brother, the treasured friend, the ally and angel but never more than that. These are all great things to be, things Mahdi is happy to be, but he wonders why it seems like the only way to be thought of as an adult is to act cynical and jaded. It seems to him like not letting the world change you is a form of maturity, too, but the sincerity and sweetness he treasures are not valued by all.

Normally, Mahdi doesn't get so reflective, but it has been a year and nearly two weeks since he's arrived. He's been thinking about a lot of things lately, like how it's been over two years since he's seen his family and the last real conversation he had with his sister Fayra was about how he needed to get out more, how he ought to go dancing with her, how he needed to try and have fun and get a date since it's been two years since that last guy, dang it.

(Okay, now it's been more like four.)

But Mahdi hasn't been trying like she'd want him to, even though he has more opportunity here. He rarely goes out at night. He usually stays home, maybe practices some recipes and just goes to bed early.

Maybe he actually finds this place pretty depressing. It's time he stopped, he figured. It's time he took some kind of move in his personal life.

When Mahdi turns up at the bar, he's no longer in the casual-disheveled state he had been when they chatted on the tablets. He's pulled his hair back into a loose braid, and he's wearing a nice blue sweater and trousers. He arrives a few minutes earlier than two hours, so worried he might be late or find the wrong place. He pulls off his yellow raincoat with a shiver, and searches the room for Jack. If he hasn't arrived yet, he'll find a table or something - stools are just too challenging for him.]

Comments

[moralperil]

I can't do any sort of illusions, that was always my sister's area. What I can do it just... well...!

[Mahdi makes heart-hands at Jack, and sends him a blessing! It should give him a feeling of contentment that lasts for around five or ten minutes, a sense of warmth and happiness and a certainty that 'someone out there is watching out for me'.]

That!

[allucinator]

I-- oh.

[Jack stares at him, a bit of color coming to his cheeks despite himself.]

Christ, that's-- you could sell that.

[moralperil]

[Is blushing what we're doing? How about a nice, big blush party?]

Sell it? I could never! [Totally scandalized, here.]

[allucinator]

[He shrugs and rubs at his face, trying to banish that stupid expression.]

Your choice. Jesus, this-- how long does this last?

[moralperil]

A few minutes. It's supposed to be enough to uplift your spirits from total despair, and allow a moment of clarity. I can also give blessings that improve someone's luck - that's mostly when I do here.

[Okay, it secretly makes Mahdi happy to see Jack look this happy. He hadn't noticed it before, but the guy doesn't really relax much.]

[allucinator]

It's, um-- it's addictive. Or could be. Could be addictive.

[God knows he's starting to know about addictive. Jack rubs at his face again, but he can't banish that small smile.]

Do you all specify like that?

[moralperil]

A-addictive? Really? Um, that's probably why I'm not supposed to just... use it on people like that. [Mahdi looks distinctly uncomfortable, shifting in his seat and poking at the ice melting in what little remains of his drink.]

We can do a lot of things, but my power itself is pretty rare. Probably because it's basically a form of emotional projection.

In fact everyone else I've met who has anything similar is. Well, they don't use it in good ways.

[allucinator]

Yeah, I bet.

[He mumbles that and then shoots him a little smile.]

Still. Long as you do, that's all that matters, yeah? And that you don't do it without permission.

[moralperil]

I actually don't know how to hurt someone with it, so don't worry. [BECAUSE ALL OF HIS ANGER AND LOATHING IS TURNED INWARD. :D] As for permission, well, I try to be careful about it now that I'm living with humans. Suddenly changing someone's feelings without asking is... well, meddling. Even if it's sort of my job to meddle, it's different. Since I want to live like everyone else here, not apart.

[allucinator]

Mmhm.

[He's still relentlessly cheerful, so he's not as pissed about this as he could be. Still:]

My . . . teacher, the guy I work for, who trained me to do this magic shit-- the first day I met him was when I first came here, and he did some magic on me. Stuff like this, just to make me feel good. I nearly knocked his teeth out.

Permission is important.

[moralperil]

Of course, you should never...

[Jack's words hit a bad nerve and the conversation is suddenly really distressing where is his new drink oh no where is it oh there it is thank goodness anything to do with his face other than trying not to puke no wait he can't hold onto that glass just gonna set it dow--]

No one has the right to...

[Okay, no. Mahdi scoots back his chair abruptly like he's going to leave. And then just sort of holds onto the table instead because the room is spinning.]

[allucinator]

Oh, god damn it--

[He shoots out of his chair and goes behind Mahdi, surrounding him-- but not touching, never touching, because he knows better--]

C'mere-- c'mere, Mahdi, stay with me-- it's okay, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-- it's okay, you're okay, you're safe here, ain't nobody gonna come near you--

[moralperil]

I'm sorry, I just... suddenly didn't feel too great...

[Mahdi's hands make fists on the table and he leans forward, pressing his forehead on them. It's precarious but he seems calmer like that, curled, hiding behind his hair. After what feels like a rather long time of just slightly rocking he manages to regulate his breathing.]

You know what's really terrible about this place? [He asks weakly.]

[allucinator]

What's that?

[His voice is quiet, soothing; he still doesn't touch Mahdi, but he leans closer.]

[moralperil]

You can't know who's going to turn up, but you have to be brave because everyone else is so brave.

[Mahdi takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly.]

[allucinator]

They're not. We put on a brave face, but everybody's just as scared.

[A beat. Quietly, so quietly as to almost not be heard:]

I'd kill mine, if he ever came here. And I'd help you . . . I'd protect you from yours, if you wanted me to.

[moralperil]

Jack... [Mahdi finally looks up, and his eyes are filled with a very gentle, heartbroken look. It seems like he might protest the sentiment more, but he doesn't. Just nods, slowly.

Equally slowly, he draws himself back up into his chair, taking a few long breaths before sipping his drink through the straw. He makes a bit of a face.

Ugh, it's really too sweet, isn't it?]

He cut my hair. [Mahdi more or less blurts it out, as if that explains everything.] While I was sleeping.

[allucinator]

[He finally pulls back, moving to slowly sit back in his seat. He should, he thinks, feel a bit more than he is-- after all, this is the first time he's talked about it in five months. But he just feels rather comfortably numb, his own internal depression and anger finding a peaceful compromise with Mahdi's magic.]

Ah.

[That' all he says. He understands that, to be honest, though he can't say how or why.]

No wonder you didn't want to cut it.

[A beat. He downs the rest of his drink and mutters:]

It was sex, with mine. Just a lot o' it.

[A savage, humorless sort of grin.]

Bruises I can take. Kisses? Not so much.

[moralperil]

[Mahdi's heart hurts. Jack's so young, he thinks, and then with a little twist of horror like a corkscrew jabbed into his stomach he realizes he was Jack's age, a little younger, when it happened to him.]

It's not sex.

Not really.

If you're doing something you don't want to do, then it's not sex.

[Mahdi nods once, as if in agreement. It's good to hear himself say it.

He pushes the long bangs which have escaped his braid behind his ears, chews on the straw but doesn't touch his drink.]

The stupid thing is sometimes I really do want to cut it. Just for a change, you know? Taking care of this much hair is a pain. But I hear him in my head saying, I was tired of your hair that way and I just can't do it.

[allucinator]

[He pulls a face at first-- gently and silently disagreeing, though he appreciates the sentiment-- but doesn't pursue it. Better to focus on Mahdi.]

What a fucker.

[Jack pronounces that quite emphatically and waves for another drink for himself. This sort of talk needs quite a bit more alcohol.]

What about just a little to start with? See if it's all right, and then if it is, you could try a little more, that sorta thin'.

[moralperil]

[The look of disagreement is not missed by Mahdi. He's frowning anyway but his lips turn down even more and his nose crinkles a little, though he doesn't say anything further for the time being.]

Maybe. [It's the only concession he makes, blowing bubbles in his drink with a troubled expression while he waits for Jack's to arrive.] Maybe I'll color it. Just a few strands.

I'm sorry about this. I've been on edge... for months now, probably. The thing with my hair really didn't help! [He laughs a little, self-consciously.]

Awhile ago, my friend's sword brought in all these shadow demons. It wasn't his fault, not really, but it was bad. Were you here for that? They'd hide in the shadows and say the most awful things. All of the most painful, disgusting things you were hiding in the corners of your heart, they would whisper right into your ear.

[Mahdi presses his hand to his chest, thumb and fingertips stretching over his collarbone.]

I helped kill those things, but I feel like... they never went away.

[allucinator]

Yeah, I first arrived for that shit.

[He stares at him for a few seconds, trying to think of what to say.]

You know they ain't real, right? They're just-- they're just a bad voice in your head.

[moralperil]

Yeah. It's always been there, with me. It will always be part of me. But I was better at ignoring it before, or something.

Since I came here I've been able to do so many things I never thought I would. I even... fell, for someone, kind of, even if it didn't work out. [The fingers on his chest curl.]

I thought I'd gotten over being afraid like that.

I guess that's why - why I decided I'd go out dancing.

[allucinator]

Yeah.

[He takes another swig of his drink and wrinkles his nose.]

'M sorry I can't help with that. It's-- you know-- crowds. I can't do crowds anymore.

Good for you, though. Movin' on and all.

[moralperil]

I understand. I hate going down in the caves, or sleeping with other people around. [It's an obsession, actually, that he makes sure his door is locked, no one can come in, not even the kitten (who sometimes gets accidentally locked in, and the frantic mewling in the middle of the night!), not even Collette whom he trusts implicitly. It's something he thinks about, now, and then, when he thinks about this new step in life he's taking.] And let's not forget the hair thing! So many people cave me crap for that.

But... when I'm around humans, I see your beautiful souls, glowing all around me. It'll be like a field of stars.