exsiliumlogs | (open) celebrating everything it took to free us from the land of the broken and betrayed

"Maybe, but there's more than one way to win a battle," She'd rather her people here, instead of Ellie. Not because she thinks Ellie can't handle it, but because even after going through a war, she's still technically a civilian who shouldn't have to deal with this shit. Bats are trained for it.

She's relieved Ellie is taking this so well, it's not often that Steph tells people she's a vigilante, usually it happens the other way around, by telling another vigilante her real identity. It was a risk, but so far it's paid off, and she thinks - hopes - she can trust Ellie to keep this secret.

"Um," There's a lot still on her mind, but she manages to look almost... shy, for a second there, "Spoiler, then Robin, now Batgirl," A beat, as she looks at Ellie, then, "You're not allowed to laugh."

It's different when she's in her suit, because even if the Bat ears and the bright yellow symbol is a bit silly, it's still obvious how well made, how reinforced that black and purple uniform is, which lends some credibility to the name.

Right now she just feels like a bit of a dork.

"Bat... Girl." Hmm. "Do you fight evil by eating fruit and spreading disease?"

She manages to say it with a completely straight face. No laughter here, no way Jose. "Or do you kind of run around yelling and navigating when the vibrations bounce back at you?"

What a jerk. Nose wrinkled, she bumps Steph affectionately. "Why all the changes?"

"Funny," She's not quite pouting, but it's close, "Though I do think I could probably work echolocation into my suit."

She's been thinking about it since meeting Collette, and it seems like a good idea if she can fine tune how to develop functions into her suit. She's got a small radar built into her handheld computer, but it's not very accurate.

"Bats are nocturnal and kind of scary, that's why we go with the theme," It sounds so terrible when she puts it like that. She just wants Bruce here so he can scare everyone.

But she's not taking it too hard, and she Ellie gets another smile for the affectionate bump, "I started as Spoiler, the name and uniform was original, all mine. Robin's a legacy role, which I worked in for a while until I got fired, and that's - why I wanted to prove myself," And why the gang war happened, her expression twists a little before she continues, "I went back to Spoiler for a while, then my best friend, the previous Batgirl, decided to take a break from the vigilante gig, so she handed the mantle on to me. It's... a work in progress."

Sometimes she still isn't sure if she's good enough to live up to Batgirl.

"If you use it to sneak up on me in the dark, I might shoot you." She says it off the cuff, the kind of humour that fails and withers away. Not like when she says something shit to Kevin and act like everyone hates him, that they are in on the joke (the joke is Kevin's existence). It's one of those things she tries to be casual about and still can't really manage... And yet, sadly, it's the truth. She doesn't take surprises all that well, any more.

"Flying foxes aren't that scary, they just get their names cursed when they eat someone's prize winning veggie patch. Mrs.Bradshaw chucked the biggest hissy I ever saw when they got her persimmons." Letting the teasing go, her expression sobers again. "There's a lot of unfair old wives tales about bats. I reckon they're pretty okay."

Dissatisfied with Steph's answer, or maybe just what she feels are the implications, she huffs irritably. "They fired you fr risking your life to help people and then there's other people that lie to you." She lets that just sink in for a few minutes. "They sound like a bunch of dickheads, these other vigilantes or whatever they are."

"Not that I'd need echolocation to sneak up on someone, but message received," And Steph does manage the humour, picking up what Ellie was trying to do and putting a flippancy in her tone that makes it work. But she means it, too, she wouldn't sneak up on someone who's been through a warzone.

"I think megabats are a little cuture than microbats," Look she learnt a fair bit about bats when she first started working with Batman, it's just one of those things, but she oddly appreciates the comment about bats being pretty okay.

As for the rest of it, Steph looks away, rubbing the back of her neck, "It was really just the one guy. Batman. I mean-- all the Robins before me had been boys, and, I dunno, Batman never held them to the same standards. The rules were that I was out as soon as I disobeyed an order, never mind that I disobeyed an order to save his life," There's a little bitterness in her tone, and she realizes her fists are clenched at her sides, so she forces herself to relax, "He's the one who kept information from me. If I'd known... things never would've gotten so bad."

It's not that she blames Bruce, but she just wishes he'd thought to tell Robin about Matches Malone.

"If we were out as soon as we disobeyed orders, there wouldn't be any team left." And they were a team, really, something that almost surprises her because it feels like she'd forgotten. "We've all screwed up, but we just-- we can't abandon each other. Or the group. Sometimes things can't go to plan."

Homer and the sawn off shotgun. If they'd been captured when he had those, they'd have been dead faster than you could say any arbitrary one syllable word. It had been agreed: no weapons. If he hadn't had them, though, he and Chris would have died then and there.

"I mean, people fuck up. Things don't go to plan, but you don't abandon them or chuck 'em out like old scraps." She feels distinctly uncomfortable as she says that, because God knows how awful she's been to all of them, uncertainty flickering across her face for a moment. The only way she manages to dismiss it is with a derisive snort.
"Batman sounds like a misogynistic bastard."

That she can get behind. She's never underestimating girls or holding them to unfair standards, right? Well. Fi, sometimes, but she was Fi. That was different, right?

"I don't think a bloke like that'll ever give you the recognition to soothe your pride." Pride is her biggest flaw; she knows all about it going unsound,

For a few minutes, Steph doesn't say anything at all, as she loses the good humour she'd have a few moments ago in favour of wrapping her arms around herself, fingers curled loosely in the fabric of her jacket.

She can't argue with anything that Ellie says, that people shouldn't be left behind so arbitrarily, that Batman's a misogynistic asshole - she doesn't think he realizes the different standards he held her to, or the way he treated Cass differently than he treated his sons - that she wouldn't ever really get recognition from him that she wanted.

But it's not that simple.

"He was--" She sighs, rubs at her eyes like she's tired all of a sudden, then looks over at Ellie, "When I was little and my dad was at his worst, I'd imagine Batman coming to stop him, coming to save to me. And then I met him, and he was the first person to tell me that I wasn't... that what my dad had done to me didn't ruin me. I was ready to kill my dad and go to jail, I was gonna throw my life away 'cause I didn't think my life was really worth living. Batman gave me a chance to see otherwise."

She can't forget that, it's why she put up with so much crap from Bruce, because he was the first person to make her feel like she could be something.

"He fucked up, keeping information for me, but he - he held me, when we thought I was dying, and told me it wasn't my fault, that it was gonna be okay," That he'd look after her baby girl, but she can't say that part, "I dunno, he's just-- I'm wearing his symbol now, and he's finally giving me a chance to prove myself. I'm not sure he meant to abandon me, I just think he didn't know how to deal with me."

Maybe she reminded him too much of Jason, and he knew her life would end like his. He'd nearly been right.

Ellie doesn't hug people. Fi sometimes, or they'd cuddle and chat, but that seemed rarer and rarer these days. She barely had contact with Lee anymore. Homer didn't go for that mushy stuff, and that just left Kevin. It always feels awkward, too, just holding herself at odd angles, because hugging is for people who aren't messed up. Hugging goes with family and happy times, probably has some beautiful music playing alongside it and then everyone goes and gathers around the barbie and drinks some home-made oj. What Steph gets isn't a hug, it's more of an instinctive smashing against her of five feet and three inches of emotionally broken down Australian, with arms latching around her. It's not that it feels awkward; Ellie just doesn't think she's qualified and complete enough to do hugs anymore. Those are things that functioning people do with their functioning friends.

"Shut up about proving yourself." It makes her twist. Proving yourself, having an agenda, that just wound up with people being dead. "You're an idiot."

Her first instinct is to tense up, but she relaxes after a second, bringing her arms up around Ellie, her hands gentle on the other girl's back. She's not sure if the hug is for herself or for Ellie, but once she stops freaking out about sudden physical contact, she appreciates the affection. The last person who hugged her was her mom, after she woke up from the Black Mercy. This isn't quite as easy as that, if only because Ellie hugs like she's not sure of how it's supposed to work, but that doesn't make the gesture any less nice.

"It's all that's kept me alive," There's almost an apology in the way she says it, because it's true, her need to show that she was good enough had kept her going through so much. She's not sure how to do anything else.

The tension doesn't go unnoticed, Ellie mumbling an apology that just makes it a little more awkward for a few moments. It'd be embarrassing, if Steph hadn't relaxed and returned it. (She might have slunk away to nurse that wretched pride monster, even.)

"Yeah. I know." She gets it would be the more accurate response, but she can't be arsed with being one hundred per cent on top of her words, these days. "But at the end of the day, you're the core of it. Proving yourself doesn't mean anything if you're dead." That's jagged, vulnerable and raw, and she's seen enough death and heard and smelt enough of it, and all those people she wanted to prove herself to and protect and be there for aren't here anymore. Maybe she's not even really hugging Steph for Steph's sake.

"You've gotta have reasons to stay alive locked up in yourself, but not just that one."

She's not sure she can really explain how right Ellie is on that point, not without delving into her faked death, and the fact she came back to find she didn't even have a case. It would seem like a little thing to someone who doesn't understand the context.

"I've got no plans to get myself killed," Is what she says instead, since it seems like it might be what Ellie needs to hear, if Steph is right about wh she sounds so vulnerable right now.

"I think it all comes down to being stubborn. I'm not gonna give up, or stop trying to prove myself to the people who've put me down, but I'm also too damn stubborn to let it me kill me," That probably isn't as reassuring as it should be, but it's all she can give right now. Well, that, and the way she hugs Ellie a little tighter.

"Good." Even if it doesn't mean much, even if no one she knew had planned to die. Not even Robyn, because that wasnt really much of a choice. (She wondered if thinking like that cheapened her sacrifice, sometimes, and others she was just too angry at Robyn to care.)

Somehow, that makes her laugh a little. Almost relieved - almost. A few words could never be enough to soothe that mess of stuff churning about in her that she couldn't even find names for, fireworks and a butterfly house and an earthquake that broke everything up. Just one of those would probably be effective enough, she'd heard it was always better to be simple and not slip into hyperbole, but no one of those felt like they could come close. "Obstinate idiot." At least, though, at least that's something where they're on the same page. "You're gonna outlive everyone just so you can get the last word in, hey." Me too, Ellie suspected, but she didn't think it'd be that fun being able to one-up people who weren't around to look pissed off and roll their eyes.

It occurs to her that, possibly, she should pull back. When she does, she looks a bit sheepish. How does affection?

Edited 2013-02-18 23:24 (UTC)

When Ellie pulls back, Steph smiles at her, gentle, to let her know that she appreciated the hug. And she's glad that she got a laugh out of the other girl and hopes it means she's reassured her somewhat. She can understand not wanting to see anymore death, even if Steph hasn't lost anyone close to her, she's seen enough corpses to last a lifetime.

"Sure am," In a spur of the moment gesture and an attempt at comfort, Steph reaches out to tuck a strand of Ellie's hair behind her ear before she pulls back the rest of the way.

Something occurs to her, then, what the raven told her, and it's the sort of thing she knows she should share, "Ellie, apparently we can't die here. If we do, the Initiative brings us back."

She's watching carefully for the reaction, worried that Ellie might freak out. Coming back from the dead isn't standard fare in a lot of worlds.

"Typical. Bloody yank."

It's weird how foreign gestures like that are, now. Maybe the last person who did anything like that was Lee. Her mum used to, before Ellie it scoff and bat her hand away. She didn't start brushing Lee off until later; the touch was different. This was different again. Her mouth quirks in an odd little smile as it occurs to her how quickly the thoughts bustle through her head, disordered and chaotic. Sometime soon she might need to set up traffic lights in there to keep them all in order.

"Hmm?" Oh. Her expression darkens a little, and quite suddenly, it is imperative that she makes a careful study of her hands, sitting back on her heels. "I know." Barely audible, especially with the generous volume of the crowd. "Some guy told me. He said he could 'raise' people too, with the right equipment. Sounds like a fan of the initiative." Her fingers dig into her jeans. "They bring people that are dead wherever they come from, too. Ain't right. But I mean--" and now her fingers are dragging through her hair, tearing, "-- but it's better they're alive. Right? But of we can just keep dying, and feeling it..." She trails off, lost.

Steph manages a little smile for the insult, it's not unlike Kara occasionally calling her an Earthling or human like it's the gravest insult in the world, and the familiarity of it makes her heart ache. She tries not to think about how desperately she wishes Kara were here.

The relief she feels over Ellie already knowing probably isn't appropriate, but it means she doesn't have to worry about being the first to say it. But seeing her so distressed by it just makes Steph feel even worse, in the end, and she carefully, gently, catches Ellie's wrists, pulling her hands away from her hair to stop her tearing at it.

"My best friend has died, back home, and she was brought back to life," Lazarus pits, they're dangerous and can have awful affects, but Cass never chose to be put in, "Maybe it isn't right, but all I can think about is the fact I got to see her again."

She slides her grip from Ellie's wrists to properly take her hands, "It's better that people shouldn't have to die for a cause they never signed up for. What we have to do is keep those deaths minimal."

To stop people from dying over and over, so that they don't have to feel it. Steph doesn't know exactly what death feels like, but she's been as close as she can be, and it isn't something she's eager to repeat.

"Better. That guy said he needed the equipment though, and they probably need the body." Flat, dull. Gone past the edge of that rawness and gone past it, pain worn down but still thudding and aching for all that. "War doesn't always leave bodies." She just watches Steph hopelessly, begging for a solution that she knows won't be there. "Robyn just vanished." One second she had been there, looking at Ellie with nervous disbelief, and then she'd been gone.

"And what about when we go home? 'Cause Cedric was dead before he came here. What happens to us then?"

Too many thoughts and fears and responsibilities. When she actually stops to look, it's like standing at a precipice, looking into a chasm with no one to pull you back.

"I don't know," It's all she can say, and she knows Ellie doesn't really expect her to have the answer, but she understands needing to try anyway. All she can do is hold Ellie's hands in hers, running her thumbs over the back of Ellie's knuckles, trying to offer what comfort she can in those small gestures.

"Maybe the Initiative can send them back alive," It sounds weak even to her own ears, and she knows that neither of them are really going to believe that. The Initiative don't seem to care enough to consider sending people back alive, those that are dead here won't be going come, "Maybe when they win this war, they can send them somewhere else, somewhere safe."

She wants to believe that. Maybe the Initiative can just let them choose some other world, some other time and place where they can live out the rest of their natural life.

"What'd that get them?" Those were the terms that the world, or any world, seemed to run on, what benefits you could squeeze out of something. It was the only way to understand things, how people operated. Loss and gain. "I mean, bringing us here is to their benefit, but what does it matter to them what happens to us after? They could make promises until they were blue in the face, but they have no way to guarantee it and no reason to honour it. If we stay here after they get what they want, we'd just be extra mouths to feed and people to please, that's all."

She sighs, not looking at Steph, though she sounds a little calmer with the grounding contact running in soothing circles. "I miss things being simple." And then she huffs, frustrated with herself. "You never had it simple, how come you're so together all the time?"

Idealising and romanticising her friends? No, she never does that.

"Maybe they'll pay their debts," It's not much, but it's the best she can offer right now. If the Initiative are the good guys, like she hopes, they might decide they owe the Tranports enough to give them a second chance at life even after the fighting is done.

The comment about her having it together earns a small huff of a laugh, "Probably because I never had it simple. Even when I was little, I had to just - deal with things, there wasn't another option."

She had to learn to take care of herself, had to learn how to survive her father, then how to survive as a vigilante. It's not to say she doesn't freak out or lose the plot or breakdown on occasion, but she knows how to save that sorta thing for when she has the luxury for it.

"And I'm pretty good at pretending to have it together even when I don't," Fake it until you make it, or something like that.

"It's like what Homer said one time. You don't need to be brave, you just have to think brave. Figure out what someone brave would do and just get yourself in that zone. There's a point where it's beyond yourself to try, but until you hit the wall..." She trails off, and shrugs. "There's not a lot of point thinking its unfair we have to deal with things, it doesn't change the fact they need to be dealt with."

A sigh, but not one of defeat. Rather, one of experience, tired but not beaten, not yet. "So we just gotta pull our socks up and deal with the Initiative and deal with United Earth, and then we fight tooth and nail to do our bit and make a difference."

Finally, she glances back up at Steph. "Besides, the days when we relied on adults to get things right are the days things got messed up in the first place."

"Exactly," Steph's used to unfair, and she stopped railing against it long ago, she just took a deep breath and dealt with it anyway, because what else was there to do? She hates it when it's other people, she hates how Cass had to grow up, everything Damian's been through to make him the way he is, but she knows there's still no point in saying it's unfair.

Life is unfair, complaining about it doesn't change it.

"I still don't know which is the right course, but we're here now, and you're right, we've just gotta deal with it," This is a lot heavier a conversation than she planned to have on Valentine's Day, but for all that it's been a bit emotional, she feels better to have had a chance to put her thoughts into words, and to know that she isn't alone in those thoughts.

And well, Ellie's right about adults, "They'll never get their shit together, it's better if we rely on ourselves."

On each other, and she's starting to think Ellie really is someone she can trust.

"Sometimes having a tantrum and getting it all out can be kind of cathartic, though." She offers Steph a very small smile. "It's nice having someone be on the same page. Most people here just..." Probably have no idea where she's coming from, the logical part of her recognises. "I don't know if they're liars or out of touch, or maybe the wires just went wrong somewhere. They're confusing." Steph makes sense. Even if she wears a costume and calls herself Batgirl, she's trying to make a difference and understands fighting and futility and that painful weight in your gut when the floor gets knocked out from under you. And she doesn't blame Ellie or hate her guts, which she swears the others do, half of the time. They can't stand each other, even as they harbour that need.

Despite herself, she curls up against Steph a bit. Not leaning too much against her, not after the way she tensed up with the hug, but just wrapping her arms around her own knees, which are propping up her chin. "We need a game plan. I don't like making things up as you go along." More windows for things to go wrong, and it was dangerous enough with the best laid out plans.

"I try to do that in private," Or around someone she trusts enough to let them see her breakdown, which doesn't happen a lot, she even kept Tim and Cass at a distance. Her therapist in Africa saw an awful lot, but her PTSD is at managable levels.

The fact Ellie feels the same way she does about having someone who understands, is one more reassurance that she's made the right decision to trust her. She gives Ellie's hands a final squeeze, then lets go, "I think there's a line, between never having fought before and having fought too much."

They either don't treat the situation with the respect it deserves, because they don't understand the gravity of the situation, or they're so desensitized they don't realize why others would struggle with it. Steph doesn't think she'd ever be desensitized, and Ellie is new to battle.

She smiles to herself when Ellie curls up against her, leaning into it a little, "I've kinda got a reputation for leaping before I look, but I guess I can make an exception for you."

Or more that she's grown up enough to know a game plan is a good idea.

Steph is getting pretty good at wrangling smiles out of Ellie. "Nah. Better when you can see someone else's face when they think you've totally lost it. 'Oh, geez, there she goes. We knew it had to happen sometime.'" If only that weren't so very true. At least they were all human trainwrecks together. That was a really comforting thought.

"You're a real smooth talker today. You could get me in all kinds of trouble." If there's any innuendo there it is one hundred per cent accidental and unrealised by Miss Linton. "Definitely know how to make a girl feel special."

She was pretty sure she used to have funny banter with Lee, but that had disappeared somewhere along the way. Banter got replaced by jumping between paranoia, homicidal rage, debilitating fear and some things she can't find names for. Banter was making a little less room for those things by sneaking back in.

"I think I'm too stubborn for that, too," She's been close to it twice, both with Tim, and even then she managed to keep herself mostly together. She can trust people to have her back in a fight, to keep her safe and keep her secrets, but it's hard to let anyone see her being so vulnerable.

But she smiles, almost a smirk, "I'm just being honest, sweetheart," Steph doesn't miss the innuendo, but she knows it's just the same sort of easy, teasing banter that they had before. That nothing's really meant by it.

Except Steph kind of does mean it, at least - she means that she's being honest. She's not trying to smooth talk Ellie, or win her over with words, she's just telling the truth of how she feels about this situation, and hoping that Ellie will understand it.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

Moodswings: an Ellie biography

so basically the entire Tomorrow Series

And the "how much can we ruin Ellie's life" sequel trilogy

the answer is "a lot"

no subject

no subject