exsiliumlogs | (no subject) (part 2)

[Asuka eyes him, not quite sure what she ought to make of him. She should hate him - and a part of her fears him. There's the irrational thought that he'll crawl into her head and tear her down, just like the one before had. She takes a deep breath and settles her hands on her hips - she's not going to show fear.]

So, they let you come along too, huh?

We're here to win an election; it only makes sense to send as many of us as possible.

[Her fear of him is patently obvious. If Kaworu had learned to recognize any Lilim emotion, it would be that one.

He descends the porch stairs and then leans back against the handrail, considerably closer to her now.]

[Asuka forces herself to stand her ground. He's not that threatening. He's just a kid. He's like her.]

I meant in general. What are they gonna do? Use you to wipe out the United Earth in a pretty light show or something?

[Not that she has terrible memories of her time in Instrumentality. Her expression twitches and her fingernails dig into her palms.]

[Asuka really thinks he's capable of something like that? It's not like he shoots laser beams from his eyes or something. There isn't much he can do aside from his AT field without an Evangelion or Lilith here.

But of course that's what she would think. Kaworu is more than used to that, too. He stares at her with all the practiced control he had when communicating with the personnel at Seele.]

How should I know? I could ask the same of you. You're not a pilot, here.

[Asuka's expression settles into something very much like determination.]

I'm going to fight.

You are so ready to welcome strife back into your life, even after Instrumentality.

[The Second is so very different from Shinji in that regard. She has her own method of hiding herself away.]

A life of quiet contentment bores you.

Do you have a better idea?

[The words come out as more of a snarl than anything else. She's hostile and her metaphorical hackles are raised. But it's defensive. She has no idea of what else she's meant to do with herself besides fight. Trying to be "normal" seems like a good way to end up ignored and forgotten.]

Instead of seeking change for yourself, you return to the familiarity of pain.

[He turns his head to look back up at the door of the saloon. Asuka really went in there, thinking she'd be welcome among a bunch of old men and prostitutes? She's just seeking attention from adults.

Kaworu isn't blaming her for any if this - Shinji is very similar. But something keeps him from feeling the same pity. Why?

She reminds him of Seele and their false sense of importance. Is that unfair of him? It's a reminder, not the same thing. Perhaps it's an excuse to for Kaworu to ignore the fact that he just doesn't like hiw she treats Shinji. The thought makes him pause. When he looks back to her, his expression seems a little softer.]

You deserve to be happy without having to put yourself in danger. You're the only one who can find that place of peace for yourself.

[Change. Change means relying on other people and hoping that they won't reject her and ignore her. Change means not pushing them away and acknowledging that she can't live entirely on her own - but she doesn't want that. Does she? She hates being alone, she hates the isolation she causes for herself, but it's better than risking being abandoned again and again.

Isn't it?

She trembles, gaze dropping to the dust at his feet as she tries to sort through her own emotions. Since Instrumentality, she's been more self-aware, but she's also chosen to ignore it in favor of old patterns of behavior that offer a small degree of comfort. Better a familiar pain and disgust than one that might be worse, should she try to embrace it. Her expression twists - she's never been good at hiding what she's feeling.

Maybe - Maybe she should try. She's still as deeply unhappy as she's always been, after all. But-]

What do you know, anyway?

[She's terrified of taking that step. She hates herself for thinking of relying on others. She can't make the world change to suit her, though. Not anymore.]

The genetic similarity between the angels and the Lilim is 99.89%.

[His red eyes take in the waves of emotion washing across her face and body. This person is important to Shinji-kun, even if Kaworu feels irritated by her cruelty.

If it's for Shinji-kun's sake...]

...There's a restaurant at the end of this street. They've been very friendly to the younger transports. [He's speaking much slower and more thoughtfully now.] I don't need to spend the money they gave me on food for myself. I think we have started on the wrong foot. Come with me, or don't come. It's fine either way. You can decide.

[Asuka stares at the dust for a few moments longer and then, almost reluctantly, she moves to follow him, arms folded tightly against her chest and gaze locked on the ground.

She's not going to say anything. She feels like it'd just make things worse.]

[She doesn't see it, but he smiles knowingly as she moves to follow him.

They walk in silence. Kaworu's focus on the street. When he went to NERV, this girl was comatose. He remembers that Arael attacked her. That would be reason enough for her to be afraid of him. Then there was whatever happened after his death, and all the problems she had from the beginning. He isn't sure with how to start trying to understand her. This isn't a Lilim he'd normally waste any thoughts on.

As they approach the restaurant, he finally speaks.]

Soryu-san, do you eat meat?

[She'd deny being afraid of him, of course. There's that primal fear at the back of her head that he'll still simply tear her open so he can see what makes her tick and expose everything she's thought or done for the whole world to see. His sudden question jolts her out of her thoughts and she finally shoots him a sidelong glance.]

Meat...? Of course I eat meat. Why?

Just checking. It's the only thing they really serve at this place.

[He turns his head to give her a playful smile. They round the street corner, and Kaworu holds the door for her as they go inside.
]

You know... the American west. Cowboys. It's too harsh and dry here for most agriculture, so they most raised livestock.

I studied history, too, you know!

[Well, not much about the North American west. Not that he needs to know that.]

What do you want from me, anyway?

[Yet she's still stepping through the door, making sure to stay as far away from him as possible. She's still not all that comfortable.]

I told you, we started on the wrong foot. And you're important to Shinji-kun.

[The owners of this place are happy to serve the dozens of strange new people. Kaworu and Asuka are lead to a small two-person table.

Asuka's objection to his history lesson doesn't seem to phase him.]

Anyway, as I was saying, there wasn't - isn't an option in a landscape like this to sustain oneself by nurturing plants. So, livestock is raised instead. The most powerful families are powerful because they own thousands upon thousands of cattle.

[He's going somewhere with this, even if Asuka doesn't realize or care. When the waitress drops off some menus, Kaworu thanks her politely.]

Edited 2013-01-17 23:48 (UTC)

Well, he's not important to me....

[She might say that, but there's a lot she doesn't let on about her relationship with him. Or even that she realizes. She wants his attention, even if she doesn't understand it. She slouches in her chair with a scowl and doesn't even bother to look up at the waitress as she bustles away.]

Yeah? So what? Why do I care about a bunch of stupid cows?

The point is, Lilim cannot survive without depending on other things. Livestock are raised and cared for just so that they can be killed and consumed later, right?

[He doesn't look at her as he thumbs through the menu for something without any animal parts in it, but his voice is very conversational.]

And the whole time, we're aware that if the animal could speak, it would beg - "please, don't kill me."

["I don't want to die."]

Yeah, so? A lot of animals kill so they can survive. I'm not about to become a vegetarian!

[She looks a bit suspicious. Like this is leading somewhere she doesn't want it to go, but has to keep following anyway.]

Of course. And of course you're not. You're a part of the food chain, too. [The agreement is sincere.] But the Lilim are special. You're blessed with knowledge, and this knowledge puts a heavy burden on your heart. You're aware of the animal's feelings, but recognizing it is too painful. Their pain is necessary to in order to survive.

[After another second he sets the menu down and looks back to her.]

So when you have no choice but to inflict pain on them in order to cope, it's easier to pretend their pain doesn't matter at all, right?

Are you trying to put me off of eating or something? Or are you just wasting my time?

[Asuka settles her hands against the edge of the table wit ha glare, clearly getting ready to shove her chair back and leave.]

Get to the point already!

I'm saying that when one's heart is in a desert, he slaughters livestock to keep it alive. All while maintaining the belief that their feelings do not matter, because the alternative hurts the conscience.

[Saying this, he tries to give her a calm smile. He still isn't accusing her of anything, he's just trying to convey these ideas the best way he can.]

It's not your fault... no, I don't think so. It's the natural - the logical way of dealing with it.

[Asuka thinks she takes his meaning, but she doesn't like what it says about her. A part of her rebels because why should she care? She's not supposed to need people. And then the other part feels alone and scared.]

You don't know me.

[But even that rings hollow to her own ears.]

I don't. I could be wrong.

[But he sees that his words affect her. Maybe she isn't completely gone.]

When you yell at Shinji-kun, how does it make you feel?

What are you, my therapist?

[Asuka sniffs indignantly.]